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Kat007

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Subject: Controlling I think Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:29:05

So ex has been writing all week, I currently do not have the funds for sols so have been replied to them. Then I recieved a rather aggressive letter. I have still been unable to move as property is so scarse and he knows this I currently have 6 agents looking and also I am job hunting and have an appointment with the local job centre. He asked why when I sent you some details did you not go after one of them. He listed 10 things as follows: 1 You are deliberatly being obstructive 2 I don\'t care if you have nowhere to live sign the contracts 3 I want alist of what your looking for and you income and expenditure so I can check it and make sure your getting things right. 4 Just do as your told without arguing 5 If you don\'t do what I say I will take you to court 6 Why are you being so difficult 7 I am going to make sure you have nothing 8 Get a house within the next week 9 I am going to take you back to court and I will win this time 10 If this sale falls through I will not be happy. So how can the kids and I move without a place to go, can he force me and the kids out without a house, while he sits pretty in his world, you would think he may understand that bullying really doesn\'\'t help the situation I am feeling so fed up with all his disgusting behaviour that he is making me ill again. I just not sure what else I am supposed to do I am doing all I can and have been for months. All agents are willing to supply court to show I have been looking I am exhausted. What with this and the kids stuff being dragged through court again it is rediculas why won\'t he leave me alone to get on.

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Simes 2p

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:36:18

Kat, you have to laugh at him, stop writing as it serves no purpose and try and ignore him. Show this to the Judge and stand back to avoid the fireworks: 2 I don\'t care if you have nowhere to live sign the contracts 7 I am going to make sure you have nothing 8 Get a house within the next week 9 I am going to take you back to court and I will win this time

Owl1

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:36:10

Kat. STOP writing back to him. You don\'t have to. As Simes says it serves no purpose. The two that stood out on the list for me. \"3 I want alist of what your looking for and you income and expenditure so I can check it and make sure your getting things right. 4 Just do as your told without arguing\" Show that paternalistic male entitlelist nonsense to a female judge along with Simes list and see how it goes. Why won\'t he leave you alone? Well until he gets what he wants he won\'t Kat. Which is the house sold and him not having to pay either SM or CM going forward. The best way to achieve that is have the kids living with him. He won\'t see that he is denying his kids a home as he is more than willing to provide them with one. He does not care about you. So look after yourself. Don\'t open his letters if they leave you feeling like you describe, give them to a friend who is wise and tell him/her only to let you know about anything life threatening.

Kat007

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:29:05

Do you know what everyone has said the same don\'t write back he is bullying you and trying to control what you do. Although I have typed a response to his last missive letter I have been in two minds as to send it so I won\'t. Although it does point out mistakes he has made by not reading court order properly or just not understanding them I suppose I pointed this out to show him that he really hasn\'t got a clue what he is doing. I am currently A LIP so thought that I had to write back. or by responding to his letters. Questions: 1 Will a judge think I am being obstructive by not being able to find a home for us? 2 or by responding to his letters? 3 Can he take financial back to court 3 months after the last order? 4 As LIP could I write directly to the Judge with all evidence? 5 Could I request the same Judge as last hearing? 6 Is there any way to stop him doing this, is it harrassment? I have been bought to a low point again and am trying to keep myself going I do feel harrassed and have to hide how I\'m feeling from the kids, they don\'t get to see me sobbing and worrying about all this. I just wish he would just let me find a home for us on our own. He obviouslly feels he has every right to do this I thought we were divorced already. Owl surely he would still have to pay SM if it was a consent order as this is for my housing needs and living costs?

Owl1

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:36:10

Kat, you are not a solicitor so as LIP you are not bound by any of the Rules of professional practice or ethics that a solicitor is. So just don\'t respond. I not sure if I can answer the rest of your questions as they really are for those with knowledge of UK family Law but I will have a go. 1. No not as I understand it the way things are viewed in the UK. Here (in NZ) a Judge would order you to sign any reasonable offer irrespective of whether you had found a house and you would have to vacate the house you are selling on the specified settlement date. If that meant you moving into relatives or into a one bedroomed flat with 6 kids then too bad. its the same with any house deal, we don\'t have onward chains as you sign up to sell the house on a specified date to a specified buyer. That is not the law where you live it would seem. So stop worrying. 2. You can choose not to respond to his letters as much as you like. if the above is anything to go by a judge would likelythink you bonkers for giving them the time of day 3. Not without very good cause and a whole lot of procedural hurdles to overcome. 4. No, solicitors can\'t even write directly to the judge. They can however present evidence in the correct manner and so can you. 5. Probably not 6. Ignore him, don\'t respond. SM as I understand it can be varied at any time by the payer making an application claiming a change in circumstances. Any variation will be based on an assessment of your needs and his ability to pay. Changing circumstances with the children can alter that.

Simes 2p

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:36:18

Kat, 1 Will a judge think I am being obstructive by not being able to find a home for us? No, the market is crap and everyone knows that. 2 or by responding to his letters? No, his letters are not worth answering. 3 Can he take financial back to court 3 months after the last order? He can try, but will be whistling in the wind, and liable to bigger problems for himself. 4 As LIP could I write directly to the Judge with all evidence? No, welll yes, but don\'t. You don\'t need to prove anything to the Judge with evidence. There is an order. End of until proveedings begin again. 5 Could I request the same Judge as last hearing? You can ask, but it will be their decision based on who is available at the time. 6 Is there any way to stop him doing this, is it harrassment? Ignore him. You will feel much better for it. Kat, if all this is really getting you down, set up a yahoo account and post the address, I will contact you and then you will have someone to talk to when things happen.

Ess

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:39:57

Hi Kat I just wanted to add that I understand how hard it is to read emails like that and ignore them. Of course they\'re going to affect you. My ex often emails me telling me how pathetic, stupid, immoral etc I am. I struggle with myself every time, find myself re-reading them, composing replies I never send and swing from feeling bad about myself to feeling angry. This is six years on and it still hurts. YOU know that you\'re doing your best to do the right thing and that\'s what matters.

Stuart

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:39:14

You want my 2 penneth..... He\'s a grade A, top of the form, gold encrusted, flacid knob.... Ignore him....

Tania

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:39:35

Sorry to read what you\'re experiencing and that it\'s been going on for so long. From me lesson 1 is - just because he writes does not mean you have to reply. Ignoring and not responding is an option, even though this might be against the manners grain which runs though most of us. Lesson 2 from me don\'t let him pass responsibility for his problems and difficulties onto you. He\'s a grown man and has to deal with that. You\'re dealing with your own stuff and you don\'t have to make the world right for him. I have developed the art of not replying to a T. It hacks my ex off no end - but so does anything that doesn\'t fit his strange view of how things should be. When I get a letter from him I go through the complete range of emotions. I leave it for a couple of days and then I just smile. He\'ll carry on controlling for as long as he gets a response from you - positive or negative - it makes no difference, The only way for you to regain a bit of control is not to respond. Take care

dts

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:19:04

Kat, I can\'t believe that this tw*t is still doing this sort of stuff after so long. But that might be unfair as I don\'t know your full history (being new around here) so I think that you should just listen to Stuart instead :) I agree that you should simply ignore his letters or better yet take Owl\'s advice about giving them to someone you trust and ask them to only let you about anything life threatening. I think that\'s a great idea. It would save you a lot of grief.

why?

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:22:57

id ignore the life threatening struff too. just make sure someone sees or reads the threat in case its ever needed!!!!!!!!! my stbx or perhaps not so stbxleft me feeling rather scared and threatened to the point i did feel as though he could do something and members of my family felt the same because of his mind set. just all threats, bullying and a lot of loud chest thumping - usually from a distance or behind office doors or the end of an email or text,lioke all bullies, - cowards at heart.

Kat007

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:29:05

Thanks Guy\'s for your unending support your advice has been taken on board and I did not respond I am waiting now for a hering date regarding financials again as I am sure he will have applied to court as I didn\'t answer withing 5 days OMG. Anyway still no news from the csa again he has reduced the payments again so am going to call them back tomorrow, so he won\'t be getting any money back from me next week actually reduced it by £500pcm ouch money out the of the kids mouths that doesn\'t look good does it. Why he\'s done that I don\'t know as he is off on a £9000 holiday next week and that doesn\'t include spending money how lovely. Kids are going too and I know they will have a lovely time with their Dad. Me I am spending the week doing all the jobs I need to without time contraints for school pick up etc, and catching up in the evenings with friends for boozy nights at their houses lovely.

EnglishRose

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:33:37

What is stopping you all moving into a rented flat in a week or two whilst finding a house to buy though? At least you wouldn\'t lose the buyer on your current place. That would seem to make sense to me.

why?

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:22:57

no upheavel then er. that will be good for kats health.

Kat007

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:29:05

Oh er, you make me laugh. What is stopping you all moving into a rented flat in a week or two whilst finding a house to buy though? Well three and a dog in a flat maybe not, There are a few things stopping me 1 is the fact I am currently fighting to keep my child with me so moving to a flat with no room to breathe is going to look fantastic and he won\'t want to be with Mum, and if he moved to dad\'s i will never get to see him, also other child will move out and then the ex will take finances back to court say as I don\'t need so much money blah blah blah he will have everything turned upside down again and I am not prepared to put my kids or myself through all that crap again. the buyers are just happy waiting as they completely understand as both have been in the same situation. So until I can move with my children into a suitable home then all will have to hold fire. Ex is just spouting off because he thinks it\'s all his way or else. so threats and bullying don\'t actually work anymore. Flat ha ha ha

Stuart

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:39:14

move into a rented flat for a week or two.... Er...you dont half talk a load of twaddle at times.... Apart from the reasons outlined by Kat you also forget that Kat would have to find a place alomst instantly....I guess you have never been in this situ....what with your obscene salary etc but in order to rent you need to go through the hassle of getting references....finding a deposit...not to mention signing a lease for at least 6 months....wow that would be monet well spent eh? How about letting Kat use one of the spare wings you have available at your mansion house eh? lol
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