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brandysnap

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Subject: On for Men Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

When i think of my husband i hate him for putting me where i am and i dont want anyone saying things like He hasnt put u where u are brandy uve put urself where you are .... he bludy well left me after all anyway i wanted a rant - i know jellylegs i feel that my husband is laughing at me but if i can keep it together it will be ok - this computer is very old and keeps blocking but i dont mind replies Im having professional help cos i just left the house where i lived and moved to be nearer my sister and mum but i miss everything. I have 2 kids and they are my anchor but they have flown the nest but are happy. God i annot understand anyone leaving a long term marriage Im sure i would kill him if i saw him with his new friend. Trust wont come into the issue if i start dating again im not looking for trust - I dont know but i think i just want a friend .

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Stuart

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:39:14

A difficult one I know but you have to try and avoid tarring all prospective partners with the sme brush. Im in the same boat but I refuse to allow my ex wife to change me and let suspicion become all consuming. I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.

LazyLizzie

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:30:41

I know you wanted guy\'s views but can I offer a female one? Try to be honest with any future partners about the way that you feel - and why you feel that way. If they aren\'t capable of understanding then move on. My guess is that most women will understand where you are coming from and make allowances at least at first until you have chance to regain a little bit of your confidence and trust.

EnglishRose

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:33:37

...not seriously but one route is watch her at all times, install key stroke software on her pc and insist on having all her on line passwords..... Better though just to trust her. Most people don\'t cheat. I think it\'s about 25% of of people in marriages of both sexes who do and that leaves 75% who don\'t.

Suvla1915

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:28:15

I would have to say that realistically, nobody is to be trusted. I would never ever have thought my husband was going to cheat on me, and worse, walk out on me for some one he had only seen twice in 25 years. But he did. The truth is, you can never tell what is going on in someone\'s head. If some one treats you well, then you are probably quite safe in your 20s and 30s, younger people have higher morals regarding infidelity. But once men reach 40 many of them get quite difficult to live with. That\'s when their wives start looking around and any man who has kept himself in shape is fair game. If they\'ve managed to stay married for a long time, all the better, they must be worth having, unlikely the stray available divorced men whose wives would rather be alone than put up with them. If you want some one you can be sure of, I would say, shorter men are more trustworthy.

JohnR1

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:39:39

Time I think. I\'ve been divorced now for some 6yrs and have had a couple of relationships since then. I think my first relationships weren\'t going to be anything more than \"medication\" now that I look back on it. To some extent, I\'m still wary now but nothing like I was for the first few years. In time, you\'ll learn how to begin trusting girlfriends and partners again - If you\'re like me, it will come in time. In the meantime, try not to treat any current girlfriends as if they are your ex - they aren\'t, and they deserve to be treate on their own merit. You\'ll still have reservations about things, but over time, the reservations will gradually reduce and you\'ll find yourself back to where you were before you got married, but with a little bit more wisdom to pick the right girls, and spot any potential nightmares. Good luck, and enjoy yourself - life\'s far too short to spend every moment of any new relationship comparing it too much with the relationship you had with your ex. ... and a Very Happy Xmas. John.

Suvla1915

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:28:15

Realised I misread this as a woman asking about how to trust men again so ignore my reply. It\'s a common theme for men and women though - there\'s a similar post further down from a woman) As I said though, judge by how they treat you. If a partner treats you well, there\'s a good chance they will be faithful. If they treat you badly, say horrible things, neglect you and take you for granted then you shouldn\'t be surprised if they are unfaithful. But you should probably have got out anyway. I doubt that there is a man or woman who has been cheated on who could honestly say that their spouse treated them wonderfully before they strayed. So as long as you are happy and enjoying each other\'s company you shouldn\'t waste time worrying about things going wrong.

brandysnap

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

i never thought my ex after 24 yrs together would leave me NEVER ITS THE WORST THING EVER TO HAPPEN i am a nervous wreck but manage to go for group meetings i have 2 teens who left home at the same time so i think i just gave up and feel like my life has been for nothing

brandysnap

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

can someone answer if anyone is there -

Suvla1915

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:28:15

It hasn\'t been for nothing brandysnap - your children still need you, even if they are grown up. I know how you feel - you go from being a family to being a single person alone in the world, going to places alone and having to do everything for yourself, like cutting the lawn and changing a lightbulb. You sound a bit down, if you need support, this is a good place to get it when you begin to feel your family have had enough of listening. Take care.

obiwankenobi

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:34:41

i think i know what you mean... after my ex-wife, i now wonder if i can ever totally believe my partner wont pull a knife on me... or chuck a bucket of water over me at 3-am or hit me with a saucepan... err... deal with people as individuals... how they behave and not what they are...

brandysnap

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

thanks suvla1915 yes i feel so like that - its been over a year and i have moved tto be nearer my sister and mother staying with my mum but i feel that my ex was a friend but sinve the divorce its become like he wants me dead tho i know i am paranoid but how can someone youve known for so long and u thought you would be with the rest of yourlife change so much I dread the post and to be honest the solicitors terrify me too!

EnglishRose

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:33:37

brandy it wasn\'t for nothing. You brought up the children and you can have relationships with adult children. Three of mine are 20+ and very nice to have around even if they leave home so do try to stay in touch with them.

EnglishRose

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:33:37

..and I think 25% of married people stray in long marriages which isn\'t very good but that means 75% don\'t. it\'s why it;s helpful to hear if someone has really never been faithful to anyone in his or her life or whether they have been.

whammy1

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:49

You will just have to trust her mate. There is no other route believe me. However, you will need to make sure that she is worthy of your trust. It will not be a bad idea to test her intentions once in a while. It is always hard to forget infidelity but the only way to heal in the end is to move on and start afresh. Hope that helps.

obiwankenobi

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:34:41

whammy is right... its all or nothing imho... without trust you are going to be miserable... everything is done for a purpose... even the bad stuff... you can learn... go forward- there are lots of normal trustworthy people out there... my story is well known- violent abusive partner- and i got out- still abusing me - throught the kids... but i met someone wonderful... and we are very happy... if i can ... you can...

brandysnap

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

thanx English Rose my kids visit me in hols etc and they are brilliant and happy i think i am the only miserable one. but i put a brave face on and dont run down their dad. I dont feel i could live with anyone again as i am not easiest person to get on with i am a bit reclusive now you can talk to people but its not the same asthe person who was closest to you or was he/ /////// NO!

divorce

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:06

phew. im only separated from my husband 3 weeks. he had been with other women im sure many times. he has denied it all even though ive spoken to these women and seen the text messages etc. he is also a compulsive liar and lies to absolutely anyone about absolutely anything if it gets him what he wants. usually just the ability to keep up his clean, respectable, family man act. he was and is a very sophisticated liar and completely deceitful in most areas of his life. there is absolutely nothing that anyone could tell me about him that would surprise me. he was emotionally abusive and mentally exhausting. i was in a permanent state of confusion in the marriage and blamed for failure of our relationship! the real hurt and betrayel i feel is for our 3 beautiful children who i cherish and now putting 100 percent of my energy into. i have no intentions of looking for anyone else for quite some time till im well healed and independent again but when i do. if i have reason to doubt him even the slightest i will end it. next time round i will not make a mistake. i never dreamt in a million years that id end up divorced with a broken family but this man affected not only me but my friends, relatives etc. sad thing is, hes utterly convincing and all his business clients and distant friends think he is a wonderful man. they will have their problems with him its guaranteed and he will never have a lasting close meaningful relationship with anyone. its noy possible. its part of his make up but it still angers & upsets me that he knew what he was doing when he chose to marry me and have a family. my children are only 6, 3 & 17 months and its tragic for them although they have handled it wonderfully and thanks to my great efforts he also has handled them just how i wanted it. they have not been affected badly at all by it but hes been reasonable because ive made him realise the importance to them and their well being - and they are a reflection of him after all. self image - only this time im using his self image to the advantage of our children. trust is important but if youd been through what ive been through i think it becomes paramount.

Jellylegs

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:30:37

Trusting again is tricky - very tricky. Every time I start to trust the NM in my life, something from the past resurfaces and clouds my judgement... There\'s so much I don\'t know about him, so much that I knew about my exh after 30 solid years together, but then there was stuff I never dreamed of too - can I trust myself and my own judgement anymore? So it\'s a balancing act that shifts constantly, even after over a year, I won\'t commit myself to anything, just in case. How exh would laugh if he knew the damage he had done to me... Onwards and Upwards

brandysnap

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

When i think of my husband i hate him for putting me where i am and i dont want anyone saying things like He hasnt put u where u are brandy uve put urself where you are .... he bludy well left me after all anyway i wanted a rant - i know jellylegs i feel that my husband is laughing at me but if i can keep it together it will be ok - this computer is very old and keeps blocking but i dont mind replies Im having professional help cos i just left the house where i lived and moved to be nearer my sister and mum but i miss everything. I have 2 kids and they are my anchor but they have flown the nest but are happy. God i annot understand anyone leaving a long term marriage Im sure i would kill him if i saw him with his new friend. Trust wont come into the issue if i start dating again im not looking for trust - I dont know but i think i just want a friend .

brandysnap

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:24:14

my blog is very random but its the only way i can communicate - its good writing it down .
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