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Suvla1915

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Subject: I\'m going to Win back my wife Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:28:15

Eddie, that must be the longest post ever! I have saved it to read at leisure and learn the error of my ways!

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Delphinium

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:21

Oh Eddie, I understand. I tried this, it didn\'t work, but at least I tried and I will never have the regret of not trying. Beware, it is exhausting and tough. Like someone said though, it takes two to tango, but only one to leave the dance floor. My suggestion is to ask her if she is willing to try. If she is, start with relate or something like that. If she isn\'t what will you do then? Are you ready to go through all that heartache? She may just not love you anymore, are you ready to hear that? You have to ask loads of questions of yourself too. Can you pinpoint where things went wrong? Was there anything you feel you could have done better? There is always the interflora approach, but you risk feeling a fool if they end up in the bin. Blow her away with romantic gestures? It\'s difficult to comment on someone else\'s situation without all the details... You know her so the answer resides with you. You can\'t make someone love you. No matter how much you love them. Do what you need to do. Good luck and stay strong. Dx

Loopy Loo2

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:00

Hi Eddie I tried this too, as hard as it is you can\'t make somebody love you. I tried everything I could think of to make a go of things with my ex-husband (I tried for 18 months), but he just didn\'t love me anymore, it\'s the hardest thing I\'ve ever had to accept, but 2 years down the line I\'ve only just come to terms with it. He came back home for 3 months, but it was so tough. I was walking around on eggshells trying so so hard to make him happy, but making myself miserable and not being myself in the long run. But it\'s no way to live. At the end of the day, she should love you for who you are, without having to try. I\'m glad I tried, I just wish I hadn\'t tried and had hoped it would work for so long. I must have looked a complete fool to my ex-husband now. He must have being laughing at me. Lx

masklin

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:34:17

I bet you\'ve been TOO nice to her over the years. As Dr Feelgood alluded to in this song , you\'ve got to treat \'em mean to keep \'em keen. I don’t get nothing to nobody But I get everything for you My hopes, my plans My dreams my friends And most of my money too If I got one thing left to give I swear that I haven’t a clue The more I give the less I get from you. My friends told me that a womans love Is a most peculiar thing You treat ’em bad, steal their cash And they treat you like a dog gone king I never listened to their advice But now I must admit that it’s true The more I give the less I get from you. So ... don\'t go running after her. Give her loads of space, GO and enjoy yourself. Do not sit indoors crying at the PC or TV. Do not call her. Tell us when she contacts you and what she said. Good luck.

EnglishRose

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:33:37

Most rebound relationships fail so may be hers will but that doesn\'t mean she will want you back. if you do want to work on it then don\'t have so much contact she gets annoyed but keep up some. May be ask her out to dinner to discuss the divorce issues. Buy flowers etc obviously.

Broken man

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:25

Hi. Im sorry you are going thru this. I sort of agree with the advice given by Maskin. My wife and me split in November. Ok, there was no one else involved (which is always going to be a tough obsticle) but in a way I had an even tougher mountain to climb. I had changed into someone who wasnt particularly easy to live with. In addition I have the MIL from hell who was hell bent on keeping us apart. However, I employed tactics as described by Maskin and so far they have worked for me. I got my own place, I didnt call my wife, I did speak if she called me tho. I let my wife know through my actions that I was moving on. I didnt NEED her, I wanted her but again I didnt communicate this to her. Just before Xmas she approached me to try again. We are doing it slowly and you would need to be prepared for that too. We see each other and behave a bit like a courting couple and every day we get a bit closer. We still live apart so as to maintain the space my wife needed (and I did too). Dont give up hope at this stage BUT dont let it become all consuming to you. As previously mentioned, you cant make someone love you Im afraid. All the best.

Broken man

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:25

I wouldnt bother with the pressies, flowers approach. Most women will see through this....... Look at yourself and try and find the person within who your wife fell in love with. At the same time though, you do need to look at her and see how she has changed. You see, even if you do get back together, unless you both deal with your issues then its doomed to failure.

Kat007

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:29:05

Eddie, I didn\'t try and win my husband back at all, but we did keep a sexual relationship going for many months and at the point it end my choice I felt better for not letting him be in control anymore. Yes I understand you still love your wife, even after all my ex does to me I still love him and always will to a degree but as a person he is not that nice anymore he has changed so much over the last year to someone I don\'t know or wish to know. It is hard and it is very painful but as above you can not force someone to love you the either will or won\'t and if she has found someone else(sad for you I know) then I think that might be her way of sending you a very clear message that it is over. God I\'m so sorry I this happening to others. But do keep the lines of communication open even if about getting a divorce, be pleasant and direct and try not to get to emotional with her. They say absence make the heart grow fonder and I used to believe that but actually absence makes the heart die off and your spark goes. I do feel for you and I wish you luck in whatever you do but be careful please. k x

Suvla1915

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:28:15

Eddie, if there was a magic solution I would have subscribed to it long ago. I wanted him back so badly I would have done anything, accepted anything. I didn\'t care, so long as he didn\'t cut me out of his life. Result : he cut me out of his life. So don\'t do what I did, don\'t act desperate, don\'t beg, don\'t plead, don\'t reveal your innermost thoughts and wishes in a beautifully composed letters and e-mails. It won\'t work. I did that and all I did was convince him he was so fantastic he was right to leave, as women were bound to be falling at his feet he is so desirable. I studied the advice on StoptheDivorce.com and found out I had done everything wrong too late. So I tried being accepting and cool and he said, \"See, you agree, I\'m right.\" Only one thing could have saved our marriage and that was for him to want to come back. And even then it would have been all about him, not me, because he doesn\'t love me. If he loved me even one little bit, he would have been talking to me once his anger subsided. (though I don\'t know what he was angry about, just the world in general it seemed) So there is no point wanting him back, is there? It doesn\'t stop from remembering the times when he was funny and good company, it doesn\'t stop me still having dreams where he comes home and suffering all next day from the reality, it doesn\'t stop me from desperately wishing we were a family again, it doesn\'t stop the terrible despair when I see him smiling at me from the photograph album, and I still don\'t understand how he could have done it when I thought we had something special. And I know that if he did turn up on my doorstep, saying could we try again, things could never be good again after that awful summer and lost year. (oh, and I also know I would probably say yes) So Eddie, do what you must do, but not too much contact, don\'t lose your self respect, and keep building that new life for yourself at the same time.

delphine again

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:01

Another thought. Confident people are very attractive. Needy isn\'t good. Suvla is so very right, keep building a new life, and keep your self respect in tact. You know what Suvla, I would now tell my ex to go far far away if he ever tried to come back. I deserve much better. Different for you Eddie, mine was a \'cad\' for want of a better word... I still tried... and I have more self respect and inner strength than before, but there were moments when it was touch and go. Do be careful. Dx

EddieC

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

Okay, thanks for all your messages. I\'ve spent the last 12 hours or so buying books on Amazon titles \"Win bak love\" and read the full 111 pages of an e-book \"Win Back Love\" which cost £50! My mums is supporting me but I\'m sure she thinks I\'ve lost it. The thing is I know I have to give this a go. If you want the ebook I have posted it at http://tinyurl.com/2fcg3j The first thing I noted was that it say\'s to avoid all contact for 3-4 weeks but to plant a seed in your partners mind first which I did today. This was not as easy as it sounds as I had to hide all my emotions and stick to what I read. I am now waiting the 4 weeks for the seed to grow and going to change myself as suggested. Please don\'t think I have gone crazy, I havn\'t, I just want to make sure I have tried everything and I\'m going to give this a go. A lot of what you have posted is all in the book so I think it is good advice, here\'s hoping. At the end of the day, if I don\'t get her back I shouls still benefit from the experience, and I have already learned something about myself which will benefit any future relationships. I wish you all well. Eddie xx

EddieC

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

Trying to post the whole book. Don\'t know if this will work but here goes. WIN BACK LOVE How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life by Annalyn Caras http://www.WinBackLove.com All rights reserved, 2007. Copyright 2007, WinBackLove.com WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Table Of Contents Disclaimers My Story Introduction Step 1: Resist Mistakes Chapter 1: Stop Making The Mistakes That Are Driving Your Love Away From You Chapter 2: Getting Through Your Break Up With Your Heart Intact Chapter 3: 10 Helpful Tips To Remember About Your Break Up Chapter 4: Forgiveness For Peace Of Mind Chapter 5: Start Seeing Through The Eyes Of Your Ex Step 2: End Contact Temporarily Chapter 6: Drive Your Ex Back To You by Distancing Yourself From Them Chapter 7: Rules Of Contact Chapter 8: The Seed Planter Step 3: Thrive In Self Development Chapter 9: It’s All About You Chapter 10: Do A Self Inventory Chapter 11: Get In Shape: The Ultimate Attractor Chapter 12: Take Up New Activities Chapter 13: Make New Friends Step 4: Unveil The Improved You And Re-Establish Contact Chapter 14: Re-Establish Contact Chapter 15: From “I” To “We” Chapter 16: The Me First Technique Chapter 17: The Good Will Technique Chapter 18: 10 Things My Ex Loves About Me Step 5: Reunite After Working Through Problems Chapter 19: Get Back Together By Resolving Problems Step 6: Nurture Your New Relationship Chapter 20: Going Forward Conclusion Appendix _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 2 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ DISCLAIMER AND TERMS OF USE AGREEMENT The author and publisher of this Ebook and the accompanying materials have used their best efforts in preparing this Ebook. The author and publisher make no representation or warranties with respect to the accuracy, applicability, fitness, or completeness of the contents of this Ebook. The information contained in this Ebook is strictly for educational purposes. Therefore, if you wish to apply ideas contained in this Ebook, you are taking full responsibility for your actions. EVERY EFFORT HAS BEEN MADE TO ACCURATELY REPRESENT THIS PRODUCT AND IT\'S POTENTIAL. EVEN THOUGH THIS INDUSTRY IS ONE OF THE FEW WHERE ONE CAN WRITE THEIR OWN CHECK IN TERMS OF EARNINGS, THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL EARN ANY MONEY USING THE TECHNIQUES AND IDEAS IN THESE MATERIALS. EXAMPLES IN THESE MATERIALS ARE NOT TO BE INTERPRETED AS A PROMISE OR GUARANTEE OF EARNINGS. EARNING POTENTIAL IS ENTIRELYDEPENDENT ON THE PERSON USING OUR PRODUCT, IDEAS AND TECHNIQUES. WE DO NOT PURPORT THIS AS A “GET RICH SCHEME.” ANY CLAIMS MADE OF ACTUAL EARNINGS OR EXAMPLES OF ACTUAL RESULTS CAN BE VERIFIED UPON REQUEST. YOUR LEVEL OF SUCCESS IN ATTAINING THE RESULTS CLAIMED IN OUR MATERIALS DEPENDS ON THE TIME YOU DEVOTE TO THE PROGRAM, IDEAS AND TECHNIQUES MENTIONED, YOUR FINANCES, KNOWLEDGE AND VARIOUS SKILLS. SINCE THESE FACTORS DIFFER ACCORDING TO INDIVIDUALS, WE CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SUCCESS OR INCOME LEVEL. NOR ARE WE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF YOUR ACTIONS. MATERIALS IN OUR PRODUCT AND OUR WEBSITE MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT INCLUDES OR IS BASED UPON FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS WITHIN THE MEANING OF THE SECURITIES LITIGATION REFORM ACT OF 1995. FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS GIVE OUR EXPECTATIONS OR FORECASTS OF FUTURE EVENTS. YOU CAN IDENTIFY THESE STATEMENTS BY THE FACT THAT THEY DO NOT RELATE STRICTLY TO HISTORICAL OR CURRENT FACTS. THEY USE WORDS SUCH AS “ANTICIPATE,” “ESTIMATE,” “EXPECT,” “PROJECT,” “INTEND,” “PLAN,” “BELIEVE,” AND OTHER WORDS AND TERMS OF SIMILAR MEANING IN CONNECTION WITH A DESCRIPTION OF POTENTIAL EARNINGS OR FINANCIAL PERFORMANCE. ANY AND ALL FORWARD LOOKING STATEMENTS HERE OR ON ANY OF OUR SALES MATERIAL ARE INTENDED TO EXPRESS OUR OPINION OF EARNINGS POTENTIAL. MANY FACTORS WILL BE IMPORTANT IN DETERMINING YOUR ACTUAL RESULTS AND NO GUARANTEES ARE MADE THAT YOU WILL ACHIEVE RESULTS SIMILAR TO OURS OR ANYBODY ELSES, IN FACT NO _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 3 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ GUARANTEES ARE MADE THAT YOU WILL ACHIEVE ANY RESULTS FROM OUR IDEAS AND TECHNIQUES IN OUR MATERIAL. THE NAMES AND OTHER IDENTIFYING INFORMATION OF THOSE MENTIONED IN THE BOOK HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THEIR PRIVACY. The author and publisher disclaim any warranties (express or implied), merchantability, or fitness for any particular purpose. The author and publisher shall in no event be held liable to any party for any direct, indirect, punitive, special, incidental or other consequential damages arising directly or indirectly from any use of this material, which is provided “as is”, and without warranties. As always, the advice of your physician, including but not limited to general physicians, marriage and family health counselors, mental health professionals, psychologist or other professional should be sought before undertaking any relationship improvement program, including this book, the WinBackLove.com website content or otherwise. The author and publisher do not warrant the performance, effectiveness or applicability of Win Back Love or any sites or resources listed or linked to in this book. All links are for information purposes only and are not warranted for content, accuracy or any other implied or explicit purpose. Results may vary, as with any relationship experience, you could be more or less successful. Success in ANY relationship is a result of hard work, dedication, thoughtfulness, and a variety of other factors. No express or implied guarantees of relationship success, including but not limited to reunion, reconciliation, or longevity, are made when joining or purchasing Win Back Love. This book is © copyrighted by Annalyn Caras Publications. No part of this may be copied, or changed in any format, sold, or used in any way other than what is outlined within this ebook under any circumstances. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 4 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ My Story I used to be terrible at relationships. If I was in a relationship with someone I really liked, I was bound to screw it up. That’s not to say I wasn’t capable of having a long-term relationship. It’s just that I had a knack of staying with people that I probably shouldn’t have. How have I wrecked relationships? Let’s start at the beginning. Early on, I found meeting and dating guys to be relatively easy. But staying with them was a problem. It didn’t take long for the novelty of a new relationship to wear off for me. And whereas last week I was smitten, this week I was looking for a way out. At the time, I just thought maybe I just hadn’t met the right guy yet. In hindsight, I just didn’t have the emotional maturity or relationship experience to really know what I wanted. Then I met and started dating an art director named Ben, and I was immediately in love with him. I was determined to make this relationship work and I felt Ben might be “The One.” I showered him with love and affection. I took every opportunity to do little things for him that I hoped showed him I cared. Little things like leaving a Post-It note saying I loved him. In the end, I discovered I wasn’t showering him at all. Ben told me I was smothering him, just before he dumped me. This really confused me. I’ve had guys “smother” me before and I didn’t care for it either. So when Ben revealed this to me, I thought – “Oh no, I’m THAT girl?” I tried to get him back and I promised him I would give him more space. But no matter what I did or said, I could not get him back. Note: A few years later I learned all the mistakes I made with Ben and I\'m confident I could win him back, even today, if I wanted to. This ebook will go into great detail on what to do and what not to do to win back your ex. Not long after that, I started dating John. Still stinging from my breakup with _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 5 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Ben, I decided not to make the same mistake twice. Although I really like John, I was determined not to give too much of myself to him. I would not, under any circumstances, go out of my way to show too much affection towards him. Not surprisingly, John dumped me pretty early in the relationship, saying he didn’t want to commit to me because it didn’t seem to him that I valued our relationship very much. I told John I really did like him, but I was afraid of scaring him off. I tried to repair the damage and convince John to give me one more chance. But John said that by not showing him my true feelings, I was “playing games” and he did not want to be with me any longer. Wow. Now I was really confused. And hurt. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Or so I thought. First, I was totally open and caring with Ben, and I got dumped. Then, I held back my feelings for John, and I was accused of playing games and being careless with our relationship. Worse yet, my attempts to get them back were an utter failure. After this, I decided to take the next “logical” step. I decided no more relationships. None. Nada. Zilch. Not forever mind you, but at least until I had a better grasp on what it was I was doing - and not doing! I spent the next six months dedicating myself to my own self-improvement. I would recommend this to anyone, and in fact, this book will discuss several easy and effective ways for you to improve yourself emotionally and physically. It was about this time that a truly wonderful thing happened. My friend Kim moved to my town. Growing up, Kim and I were inseparable. Her family lived across the street from mine and we were always together. When we got to high school, we were involved in the same sports and clubs. Eventually, Kim and I were accepted to different colleges and we fell out of touch. I was excited to have my best friend back in town. And as far as relationships go, Kim was going to be a big help. Many times growing up, she helped me through my first relationships. She just seemed to have a knack for it. She was never dumped. Well, that’s only partly true. The guys who actually did break _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 6 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ up with her ultimately ended up begging her to take them back! When it came to relationships, she clearly had talents that I did not. At this time I was very happy and I was not really looking for a relationship. So when I met Sean and we started dating, I was a little hesitant. I had a good thing going and I didn’t want to change it. But Sean knew how to make me laugh and we really hit it off. I was able to really be myself around him, and he appreciated me the way I was. Things seemed to flow naturally with him, and we grew to love each other very much. I was so happy to be so in love with someone who loved me back just as much. It takes work to make a long-term relationship work, but with him it didn’t seem like work at all. Sure we had some hard times, but our commitment was so deep, that we worked to resolve problems so that both of us could be happy. I was finally in a “healthy” relationship. And after two years, Sean and I got engaged and starting planning our wedding. I was very happy, knowing we would spend the rest of our lives together. About 6 weeks after our engagement, the unthinkable happened. Sean dropped a bombshell on me. He said he had met another woman and that he was leaving me for her. He said he was sorry and that he never saw it coming. He said he loved me very much, and was not seeking another love, but it happened anyway. He kept apologizing. But it didn’t matter. He was gone. I was upset, angry, sad, hurt, rejected and depressed at the same time. I had a million questions running through my brain simultaneously. I knew I didn’t deserve this, and I knew it was better this happened now, instead of later. Kim was an incredible friend who really helped me through this tough time. I was so glad to have my best friend with me. She told me to move on and forget about Sean. But still, Sean had been in my life for two years and it was difficult to shut off my feelings for him, even after what had happened. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 7 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ I called him a few times, hoping we could work things out. I secretly wondered if he truly loved this woman, or if cold feet had a lot to do with it. Either way, I knew the last thing I should do is get back together with him, but strangely, I wanted him back. I wanted things to be the way they were. I bought every book I could find on the subject from the big name gurus. These books were hundreds of pages long. I followed their advice and you know what happened? Nothing. They were just too vague and couldn’t answer my questions. In particular, they couldn’t tell me I could get back together with him. I had so many ideas floating around in my head that I was utterly and thoroughly confused. This only made the situation worse. Then I remembered how Kim had always been able to get guys to come back to her, even when she had done something to cause the breakup. I asked her how she was able to get past boyfriends to come crawling back to her? She told me it was not important at this time, and she was right. Still, I was more curious than ever before how she was able to do this. I wanted to see if, against all the odds, I could have Sean begging for me to come back. She agreed to help me because she was convinced that not only could I have Sean coming back to me, but that I would actually come to see him in a different light and no longer need him in my life. I hoped she was right and I saw this as a win/win opportunity. Over the next two months, I followed Kim’s advice to the letter. I learned all the things I was doing wrong. New insights about myself, Sean and our relationship were revealed to me. And you know what? Her plan worked to perfection. Sean broke it off with the other woman, and pleaded with me to take him back. I must admit it was extremely gratifying to hear him beg for another chance. But Kim was right. I saw him from a new, healthier perspective and I didn’t want him back anymore. I was ready to move on without him, and that’s just what I did. So whatever happened to me? I met a kind, attractive man named Mark and we immediately hit it off. Mark is my soul mate. We just fit together. When I started seeing Mark, I remember _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 8 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ thinking it was the most honest relationship I had ever had. In other words, I could be me. 100% me. And he loved me perfectly. I loved him immensely and wouldn\'t have changed a thing about him. If there was one thing \"wrong\" about our relationship, it was our commitment to our careers. We were both very career driven and over time we had come to see less and less of each other. As much as I loved Mark, I didn\'t think we could ever build a life together since we were just as in love with our work. After much thought, I told Mark it would be better if we broke up now. I truly felt that it was better to break up now before we had other responsibilities, like marriage and kids. He did not understand what I was saying and that ended our relationship. After a couple days, I woke up. WHAT was I thinking?? Here I had the man of my dreams, and I let him go! Worse yet, I had hurt him. I was so mad at myself and moved quickly to try and make things right. I met him after work and begged for him to come back (now the shoe was on the other foot!). He told me he needed time and he felt I did too. I had really messed up! I couldn\'t let Mark go. I loved him more than anyone. And if I could not get him back I would never forgive myself. So I put my plan in motion. The plan Kim had shared with me and that I had successfully used with Sean and I even improved it. This is the plan you will discover in this book. Three weeks later, my love Mark did come back to me. We talked about the work issue and resolved to never let work become more important than our relationship. And we never did. Mark and I got engaged within a few months. We are now happily married and have two beautiful children. We\'ve learned a lot along the way, including how to build upon our love for each other. I cherish our marriage and I’m so grateful I was able to learn so much, albeit by trial, before we were married. Over the years, I have successfully shared this process with many and perfected the plan. I have made some changes along the way as I discovered what works _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 9 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ best and what doesn’t. I’m delighted to be able to share this process with you now and I know it can bring you closer to the love of your life. That’s my story. In the pages that follow, you will learn exactly how to bring back the love of your life. This book will show you how to correct the problems that led to your breakup and what to do to bring back your ex. If you follow the plan exactly as it is outlined in this book, I am confident you can successfully reconcile, and begin a new and even stronger relationship with your ex. Your friend, Annalyn _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 10 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Introduction The principles outlined in this book are not principles I personally invented. Psychologists, scholars, authors, experts and others have explored many of the concepts that are discussed here. However, I have developed my own method of explaining my strategy of returning your lost lover to you. I call it The Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ This book will go into great detail about the system, but here is the Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ in a nutshell. The components of the Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ are: R – RESIST mistakes. E – END contact temporarily. T – THRIVE by focusing on self-development. U – UNVEIL the improved you and re-establish contact. R – REUNITE after working through problems. N – NURTURE the love in your “new” relationship. At first glance, the Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ may to be very broad in concept. In truth, each step of the system involves effective strategies to help you achieve your objectives. Of course, the objective we want to achieve most is that of returning your lost love to you. And I’m confident we can do it. Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ is a proven strategy that consistently works. The odds are in your favor when you commit to the principles outlined within this book. While the techniques and strategies in this book are very effective, your lost love may exercise free will and choose not to reunite. I wish I could say the system is 100% successful, but it isn’t. There is no method that works 100% of the time and anyone who suggests they have a method that works 100% of the time is unethical in my opinion – and that’s putting it nicely. I’m proud to say that even if for some reason the Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ fails to return your lover, you will still be able to improve yourself and your future relationships with the ideas presented in this book. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 11 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ I am extremely confident the Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ will work for you and I am excited that you are taking action to reclaim the love that you and your ex previously shared. Let’s briefly go over the effective steps involved in the Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ Resist mistakes. No relationship can reconcile if both people continue to grow farther and farther apart. That’s why it is of the utmost importance to stop making mistakes now that may be pushing your ex away from you. You may be making mistakes without even knowing it. Even if your intentions are honorable, you may be inadvertently hurting your chances of reuniting with your ex. In this section you’ll find the most common mistakes people make and how you can avoid making them yourself. You will stop the damage and begin the road back to reclaiming your relationship with your ex. You’ll explore not only how to stop mistakes, but also how to get through this trying time with your heart intact. You’ll be able to forgive your ex for any wrongdoings and, if necessary, you’ll forgive yourself. You learn how to get what you want by seeing through the eyes of your ex. End Contact Temporarily. In this step we’ll learn the importance and effectiveness of a temporary period of no contact. This will allow ample time for wounds to heal, for significant self-improvement, and to be able to re-introduce yourself later without the baggage of the feelings that are present right after a break up. You will discover how to make your ex think of you the whole time you are not making contact with them. You’ll learn 7 very important “Do’s” and “Don’ts” which will increase the odds of reconciliation. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 12 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Most importantly, you’ll cover the “Rules of Contact” and how to handle phone calls, public encounters, mutual friends, etc. You’ll also learn how to reverse the roles so that you are the rejecter and your ex is the rejected. Thrive by focusing on self-development. You have a wonderful opportunity now to devote all your time and energy to yourself. This step completely revolves around you and outlines several different ways to improve your happiness and well being. When you re-establish contact with your ex, the positive changes will be very noticeable to your ex and will act as an attractor. Plus you will enjoy the benefits from just a few changes for the rest of your life. Unveil the improved you and re-establish contact. This is the “payoff” step that begins with re-establishing contact with your ex. You’ll discover how to get your ex to make the initial contact. Specific strategies such as The Face Saver and The Secret Broadcast Technique are introduced here. You’ll also find tips to effectively make the initial contact yourself. You’ll find many outstanding tips and techniques for dating your ex and how to make sure it leads to reconciliation. Reunite after working through problems. As you move forward with your ex, it is absolutely necessary to resolve problems that lead to your initial break up before beginning a new relationship with your love. The chance of a successful relationship will increase significantly by making sure any left over problems are resolved so the two of you can have a fresh beginning. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 13 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ NURTURE the love in your “new” relationship. The final step in the system advises numerous ways to make sure your relationship gets off on the right foot. You’ll discover several ways to infuse energy and love into your relationship and make sure the fire burns brightly for years to come. Again, this is just a brief overview to give you a general idea of the ideas and strategies that follow. The following chapters will provide much greater detail and, hopefully, will prove to be very valuable to you. You may find it helpful to print out this book for quick reference in the future. So let’s get started! _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 14 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Step 1: Resist Mistakes Chapter 1: Stop Making The Mistakes That Are Driving Your Love Away From You \"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.\" -- Kaleel Jamison -- Right now, you may be feeling sad or lonely or even angry. I know because I’ve been there, and I’ve felt all these things. Since you have purchased this book, I’m assuming you want to reconcile with someone that you have lost. In a moment we\'ll run down a number of breakup mistakes. These mistakes are very easy to make because they feel so natural. 1. Not being objective - being narcissistic and only seeing things from your point of view, not as they truly are. 2. Begging and bargaining for them to take you back. 3. Arguing with your ex to get back together with you. 4. Trying to make your ex feel jealous. 5. Attempting to manipulate your ex, or make them feel guilty so they will take you back. 6. Being desperate. 7. Living in self-pity or playing the victim. 8. Letting sadness and depression take over 9. Avoid continuous contact. 10. Not taking responsibility for yourself. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 15 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ We\'ll detail these mistakes in a moment but first I\'d like you to read the following personals ads from a popular dating website. Ad #1 Attractive Single Man In Search Of Desperate Woman. Currently looking for a woman to call me repeatedly on the telephone, begging for my approval. Someone who will change for me, and do what I want them to do at a moment’s notice. If this sounds like you, call me now - several times daily is preferable. Ad #2 Are you Mr. Right? Attractive woman who recently became single and is looking for a new beginning. Strongly desire a man who can provide me with guilt trips. I’ve just made a hard decision and I would really love a man who will second guess my decisions and blame me for anything wrong that happens. Of course these personals are fictional. Please do not think I am making light of your situation. I only use these ads to illustrate a point. That is, you may think you are making efforts to reconcile. But often what your ex feels is completely different. You think you are doing all you can to bring your love back to you, but the reality is quite the opposite as you are actually pushing your ex away. Consider this: Your significant other made a decision to break up your relationship. By constantly calling your ex and begging for reconciliation, your ex may, either consciously or subconsciously, feel disrespected for their decision. Your ex may feel as if he or she is being criticized or second-guessed for their decision to end the relationship. If they feel their wishes are not being respected, they will pull away even more because everyone, at their core, desires respect. When John broke up with me, I made plenty of mistakes. I called him several different times, and I asked for him to give me one another chance. I told him I would change, and I’m fairly certain he felt they were empty promises. All of this made me look desperate. I know because I felt desperate. My intentions _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 16 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ were good, but it did not matter. To him, I was not respecting his decision, which only pushed him away farther. Mistake #1: Not thinking objectively In my opinion this might be the number one mistake a person can make simply because it leads to so many other mistakes (many that you’ll soon read about) that make it extremely difficult to get back together with your true love. Let’s face it, as humans, we love ourselves. You could even say it’s instinctual and necessary for our survival. My dad used to tell me to stick up for myself because if I didn’t look after myself, no one would. And I believe he was right. We all need to look out for ourselves. But relationships make this tricky. Because in a relationship, we’re supposed to look out for the other person more than ourselves, and if the other person is doing the same, then you can have really enjoy a healthy and harmonious relationship. But when a relationship ends, all bets are off. Immediately we revert back to looking out for numero uno. We can’t help it. We feel hurt and sad and we have a real tough time seeing past our own situation. Our emotions present a barrier to an objective analysis of the real situation. Objectivity means being able to see reality. If you’re going to change your situation, you need to be able to see the situation for what it really is and not just your from own perceptions. When you see things objectively, you can more easily spot errors and see clear solutions to problems. When we can clearly see problems and solutions like this, we can create a road map to where we want to go. OK, so how do we do this? I believe there are a few different ways to seek out objectivity. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 17 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ 1. The quick way: Seek the advice of a friend you trust. Tell your friend you really need their honesty and not to worry about hurting your feelings. You need an honest opinion. Outsiders can easily see the situation for what it is because their feelings and emotions are not wrapped up in it. A true friend can let you know if you’re being pigheaded or if your actions led to your breakup. They can also shed light on your ex and explain why that person’s point of view in a way that makes sense to you. This is invaluable and if you have a friend who can be honest and helpful like this, take advantage of it as soon as you can. 2. Another quick way: Try to ask yourself objective questions. Am I being fair? Is my ex being fair? What reason has my ex given me for breaking up? Have I done anything to lead my ex to that conclusion? If so, can I correct it? If not, is my ex being truthful with me? You may not have an “a-ha” moment where you realize what exactly is the problem and how to fix it. But hopefully by answering plenty of objective questions honestly, you can flesh out a clearer picture of what is really happening. It’s sort of like fixing a car engine. You may know it’s not working, but you’re going to need to lift up the hood to get a good look at it before you can even begin to repair it. 3. Not a quick way, but extremely powerful: This is a method that civilizations have used for centuries. It takes some time to master but when you do you can easily make yourself over, changing or improving your personality and even character at will. Just before you go to bed, lie down in your bed and begin to review your breakup in reverse order. So start with the present, and work your way backwards. And do so by imagining your life on a movie screen. In this way, you are an outsider looking in on your life. And you must be as objective as an outsider would. You cannot make excuses for yourself. If you can see yourself with no emotional or egotistical attachments, you can see the complete truth in the situation. The more objective you are, the clearer the truth will become. To begin, think of the last significant occurrence that happened. What were your thoughts and emotions at the time. How did you react and what did you both say? Think of what happened immediately after this occurrence. Were your actions in line with your own standards? If not, try to figure out why you _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 18 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ behaved as you did as objectively as you can, without justification or rationalization. As you see each event or occurrence, substitute the errors you’ve made with the correct behavior and follow your “movie” through to see how it might have played out. As you do this you will be able to identify problems and even patterns of behavior so that you can make positive changes. This is a great self-improvement tool that allows us to identify problems and right our wrongs. Can you see how this can completely transform your relationship? Not only with your lover, but with friends, family, and even work relationships. Practice this technique each night and you can make extremely positive changes in your life. After a couple weeks using this technique, it will become secondnature to you and you will have a tool at your disposal for self evaluation and improvement, not only in your relationships but in all aspects of your life. You will benefit by living a more meaningful life, filled with purpose. And you will find a calm peace come into your heart and mind as your life continues to improve. Mistake #2: Begging and bargaining This is perhaps the most common mistake, perhaps because it feels like it should work. But that’s where it gets tricky. It only feels like it should work to the person doing the begging or bargaining, but unfortunately, the other person almost never feels the same. 1. The subconscious theory behind begging and bargaining actually isn’t that crazy. Usually the “beggar” is thinking along the lines of; “I want to be with this person SO BAD - if I can just show them how badly I want to get back together they will take me back.” The problem is, begging is not an attractor, it’s a turn-off, and the natural reaction to it is resistance. So as the beggar thinks they are helping the situation, in reality they are actually making it worse. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 19 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Another way people beg is by using guilt. “After all I’ve done for you, including X, Y, and Z, and now YOU want to break up with ME”? Let me tell you something - guilt doesn’t work either. And really, would you want it too? Do you want your lover to be with you because they feel guilty or because they love you? The following sections will tell you what to do instead. Pay special attention to The Seed Planter technique in Step 2. Bargaining is simply saying “if you get back together with me, I’ll change.” Even though they may come with the best of intentions, bargaining doesn’t work for four main reasons. 1. The other person simply doesn’t believe it. 2. They DO believe it, but they really aren’t interested in trying to change you. 3. They do believe it but they think they shouldn’t have to break up to bring about this change, that you should’ve wanted to whatever the change is about all along. 4. Bargaining is like begging in that people’s natural reaction to it is resistance. And again, do you want to be with someone because they feel guilty or because you said you would change? You’re better than this. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you simply because they love you. If your best efforts at getting back together, aren’t working. Consider a new approach. Respect their wishes, and consider the ideas and techniques in the Win Back Love - Lover R.E.T.U.R.N. System ™ instead. Mistake #3: Arguing and debating with your ex to take you back Have you ever seen someone win an argument? I think we’ve all seen or been a part of arguments where one person states their views more effectively or convincingly. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 20 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ But that doesn’t necessitate a “win.” To me, you only “win” an argument if you can change the other person’s point of view. It’s pretty rare for one person to say to the other- “you know, you’re right. I was wrong but you’ve shown me the error of my ways. Thank you.” Now throw in the added emotions that a break up bring to an argument – rejection, anger, sadness, jealousy, defensiveness, just to name a few. It’s darn near impossible to win an argument after a breakup. Arguments simply cannot be won with resistance (and really, after a breakup aren’t they always met with resistance?), All that truly happens is the other person ends up feeling more resolved in their position than ever before. Let’s look at both sides of a typical argument. From your side: Your logical side suggests that you can change your ex’s mind by presenting the facts as you see them. Once your ex hears your case they will be left with no choice but to return to you because not doing so would be foolish. From their side: All they\'re hearing is “words, words, words” because what they\'re really hearing is that they are being second guessed and criticized. It doesn’t matter how delicately you try to state your case. By the simple fact you are questioning their decision at all, you are disagreeing with them. Their natural reaction is defensiveness and resistance! It’s a no win situation. I look back at my own love life and those times when I did try to argue my side and make the other person change their mind. I think deep down, I knew I had no shot at changing their mind. So why did I argue and criticize? I think for my own benefit, of letting out my anger or frustration. But that doesn’t work either. No one ever walks away from an argument feeling relieved. Instead, they always end up more frustrated than they were before the argument. So really, if you choose to argue with your ex, you lose twice. You don’t get the relief or satisfaction that you think may come from airing out your side of the situation. And you don’t bring your ex any closer to you – in fact, you push them away. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 21 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Arguing is a natural human reaction and I for that reason I don’t blame people who argue with their love after a tough breakup. However, you must know that arguing effectively ruins any chance you may have at getting back together. Be the bigger person. Walk away for now. You’ll re-enter the picture soon enough and in a much more positive light. One that will attract your ex back to you and lead you both towards a stronger and closer mutual love. Mistake #4: Trying to make your ex jealous Trying to make your ex jealous is one of the most common forms of manipulation. It’s a way of saying “You may not want me, but my new guy/girl wants me.” I’ve seen many relationship gurus support this idea as a way of returning your love to you. They think your ex will realize how much they like you and will come crawling back. Don’t buy it. I’ve seen this backfire many times. It may work initially, but soon enough you’ll be right back where you started. Why jealousy doesn’t work: When you’re ex sees you with a new “love interest,” they might conclude; 1. You are no longer available. Any lingering doubts they have had are now replaced with a clear sign they should move on, and perhaps find a new love themselves. 2. You are clearly trying to make them jealous, or you are using this new person as a rebound. In either case, you run the risk of looking immature, which is obviously not an attractor. If your ex sees through your plan, you efforts to get back together are dead. 3. Initially, either consciously or sub-consciously, your ex may wonder how they stack up against your new love interest. They may even wonder if they are good enough for you. And for the sake of satisfying their ego, they may get back together with you. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 22 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ This is what some of the so-called experts have tried to sell. The problem is that they satisfy their ego and their questions at the moment they get back together with you. Once you’re back together, they realize the other love interest you had, was just a passing fancy and doesn’t stack up to them. And they realize that, no, you are not too good for them, because you took them back. And once the thrill of “the game” is over, they are left in a relationship that is the same as when they broke up. I’ve rarely seen a relationship stick in this situation and almost always ends up in another breakup. Let’s look at the real issue. You want to get back with your ex. You want to restore love to your relationship with your lost love. It stands to reason then, you should do things which help you reach this goal. In other words, you should do things which foster positive feelings about you and not do things which foster negative feelings about you. That may sound overly simple, but I think it needs to be said sometimes. Often times after a breakup, our emotions grab a hold of us and we don’t know up from down and left from right. In the 3 examples listed above, none of the examples results in the ex feeling emotions of real love or attraction towards you. Jealousy isn’t one of the feelings you should want your ex to feel. Jealousy can lead to resentment, which will spell disaster for any thoughts of reconciliation. Mistake #5: Using guilt trips or trying to manipulate your ex Guilt trips and manipulation are also extremely common. Unfortunately, their also extremely unsuccessful. There are many other forms of many forms of guilt trips and manipulation. Sometimes we feel so rejected when someone breaks up with us, we want to strike back and let them know that they weren’t perfect either. This is perfectly natural and the guilt trip could even be based in truth. For example, I recently met a friend of a friend named Lori. Several months ago, she helped her then-boyfriend Craig financially for a few weeks after he was laid off from his job. He promised to pay her back but she repeatedly told him it was a gift to him because she loved him. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 23 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ But several months later when he broke up with her, she changed her tune. She tried to hold the money over his head and told him she wanted it all back if they weren’t going to be together. She told me she actually never wanted the money. She thought he’d rather get back together than have to pay the money. But it only made her look petty and Craig wrote her a check on the spot. He saw right through her game and called her on it. It’s not always money. Sometimes it’s kids, sex, houses, cars, etc. Don’t use kids, or anyone else, as pawns in your relationship. In fact, don’t try to use anything as leverage against your ex as it is sure to backfire. Some even use their depression and sadness as a weapon for manipulation by threatening suicide. The reasoning there is that they can make their ex feel guilty and come back to them to prevent something terrible from happening. DO NOT DO THIS. It will only create distrust and your partner will be even less likely to want to reconcile. Besides which, suicide is not to be taken lightly. It hurts too many people, not just your true love. And honestly, it really doesn’t solve anything (if your depression is serious, skip to page 36 immediately). Do not use any form of guilt or manipulation as a means for getting what you want from your ex. Even in the rare event your ex goes along with it, the guilt will only create a division in your relationship that will continue to grow. Do you see how nothing good can come from this tactic? When you do something kind for someone, and do not expect anything in return, they are much more likely to try to do something to show their appreciation. Take this example to heart: Studies have shown that when parents do something genuinely kind for their children, strictly out of love and with no expectations, their kids want to make them happy - most often by being obedient and respectful. Apply this to your relationship, and your ex may do something for you in order to make you happy. And it will be founded upon the idea of kindness, not manipulation or trickery. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 24 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ This basic fact works with all relationships, not just parenting. You can use it with your beloved, with people at work or even your boss, or with any relationship you want to improve. Again, do not do things which will bring about negative feelings towards you as it will lead you away from a reunion. Instead of trying to manipulate your ex or give them a guilt trip, show them genuine care and kindness without any expectations and you will get a lot farther. Mistake #6: Being desperate One of the most common breakup mistakes is making yourself appear desperate. Simply put, it\'s a turn-off which will work against you. The most popular way to appear desperate is to call your ex excessively. You may think you are showing there are no obstacles to getting back together, but your ex will likely feel badgered and even disrespected. They made a decision to breakup and every call makes them feel like you don’t respect their decision. People want what they can’t have so, rather than coming off as desperate, it is better to make them wonder if you are available at all (or did they miss their chance?) Don’t be too straightforward either. That comes off as being desperate. It is better to subtly flirt (not too much though) and put the idea in their head. Don’t try too hard to make him or her like you. You can’t make someone like you. Again, flirt enough to put the idea in their head. You’ll have better success if they think it is their idea to get back together. Another way we can come off as desperate is to be too persistent. If you ex has refused your offers, remember “no” means “no” and it may be time to move try other methods (read on for ideas) or move on.. Mistake #7: Living in self-pity or playing the victim I once stopped by an old friend’s house and as soon as I walked in her house I felt a wave of negativity and darkness come over me. Right away I regretted stopping by. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 25 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ This friend proceeded to complain about a number of things, including what was wrong with her life, the people in her life, the government… you name it. I was determined not to fall into this hole of pity and I changed the subject at every opportunity. Unfortunately, this only seemed to make her try harder to convince me of the imaginary ills in her life as a way of validating her selfimposed status as a “victim.” She had built a prison for herself based on her self-pity and negativity. You might say she was the result of her own selffulfilling prophecy. She was a victim simply because the thought of herself as a victim and lived her life accordingly. The more time I spent with her, the more I felt my energy draining. After 20 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore and I left. Many people who endure a hard breakup fall into a cycle of self-victimization. It’s one thing to have a “pity party” for yourself every now and then as a way of dealing with the pain. It’s quite another to hold on to that self-pity and never let go – which is what I believe my friend has done. Let’s role-play for a moment. Consider yourself in the role of my friend, constantly feeling sorry for yourself and creating your own world of pity and negativity. Now consider your ex in the role of myself, stopping by to pay you a visit. I don’t think I have to tell you what this type of behavior does for your chances of reconciliation with your ex. Do you think you’re ex will want to spend any more time with you than they have to? Even if you are in a relationship, be aware of your moments of self-doubt and pity. It’s better to talk with your loved one about your problems in a true effort at resolving your problems, than to go around feeling sorry for yourself all the time. Continuous self-pity and self-victimization is really destructive to our overall well-being. And most of all it is a choice. It’s a choice to complain about our life without taking any responsibility for it. Last I checked, our lives are our own and we ultimately are responsible for them. Life will knock you down sometimes, but the choice to get up or stay down is our own. No matter how bad things get, there is always hope. If your problems seem too big, get help. Talk to friends, family, a church leader, go to a self-help group or get professional help. Explore all avenues if you must. In the long run _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 26 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ it’s worth it in order to get yourself back to the supremely wonderful person you are! When you are going through a breakup, it’s easy make the mistake of seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. You might think everything would be perfect if you got back together. Or you may spend a lot of time thinking about all the good times you’ve shared together. Keep things in perspective by remembering when your ex drove you crazy. Also remember that your ex is probably responsible for his or her fair share of the problems that led to your breakup. None of us are perfect, including your ex. Make the decision that, with or without your ex, you’re moving on and you are going to lead a positive happy life. The next time you see your ex, do you want negativity to surround you? Do you want to suck all the energy from your beloved, leaving him or her tired, anxious or stressed after your time together? Or do you want to radiate positive energy so that you are giving energy instead of leeching on it. After spending time with you, your ex will feel energized, uplifted and maybe even inspired. Easy choice. Don’t mire yourself in self-pity or make yourself out to be the victim. No In the long run, it’s really bad for your emotional health, not to mention the damage it does to your relationship. Mistake #8: Letting sadness and depression take over I hesitate to call depression a “mistake” because sometimes you just can’t help the way you feel. But there are things that arise from depression that, in the grand scheme of trying to return your lover, are indeed a mistake. Even more importantly, it\'s imperative to your overall mental health and well-being to not let sadness and depression take over – even if it means getting professional health. Let me explain. Crying and being sad over a breakup is natural. In my opinion, it’s not only natural and acceptable, it’s necessary. If you’re that upset, let it out. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 27 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Pushing down your feelings doesn’t resolve anything. Those feelings aren’t going anywhere. They’ll just simmer beneath the surface and re-surface when you least expect it. Take care of yourself now. Grieve if you must so you can move on sooner rather than later. Having said that, there are things that come with depression, which if you are not careful, can be a big mistake. Letting the sadness take over your life is a mistake. Giving up is a mistake. Laying around the house all day doing nothing is a mistake. In other words, letting depression take over your life is a mistake. Be proactive to keep your depression from taking over. Talk it out with your family or your closest friend. See a counselor if you must. Try to stick to your daily routine to keep from falling into a rut. Take a walk, see a movie – just do something so that you aren’t just sitting there letting your thoughts and emotions run wild. If you feel you can’t help this depression, and that it has taken over, please jump to page 36 now. Fast forward ahead a few weeks. Let’s pretend you run into your ex. Do you want your ex to see you disheveled and looking as if you haven’t slept for a week? Maybe you’ve put on a few extra pounds from eating, not sleeping properly and not exercising. Looks aren’t everything, but if you are projecting the image that you don’t care about yourself, you are also projecting an image that you won’t likely be able to care for your ex. Another mistake is exaggerating or even faking depression to gain sympathy from your ex. Many people do this in the hopes their ex will feel sorry for them and get back together. This tactic simply doesn’t work. To be blunt, it makes you look desperate, and leaves your ex believing they are better off without you. So even though it may feel as if it works, in reality it only pushes your ex even farther away from you. And even in the rare chance that tactic did work, the relationship would likely dissolve quickly because it’s built on trickery and not love. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 28 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Don’t do it. Just as with begging and bargaining, this is beneath you. Make sure your love is built upon a strong foundation, namely because you love each other, and not for superficial reasons. Mistake #9: Keeping in constant contact Your ex may be totally wrong in the reasons they want a breakup. But they do not think so. And they do not want to know you think they are wrong. So the best thing you can do now, is to stop the damage. Respect your ex’s wishes and validate their decision by giving them some space. So if you feel your ex is certain that they want space, you need to give it to them. Know that time is the best healer and time apart may actually work in your favor. In fact, in the pages that follow, you’ll see how avoiding contact will actually put you in a position of power and give you the upper hand. Best of all, time has a way of forgetting bad memories while bringing good memories to light. Eventually when you are once again in contact with your ex, the bad feelings and memories will have faded and you both will have new perspectives. Often times, the person who is breaking up says they would like to be friends. This may have happened to you. There\'s two ways to look at that. One, they don\'t mean it - it\'s just a nice thing to say to let you down easy. Or, two, they did mean it and they do want to be friends. In either case, if you want to be more than friends you should maintain no contact for the time being. In the first example, you want them to become drawn and attracted to you. That can\'t happen if you\'re constantly around or continually contacting them. For the second example, you are dangerously close to \"the Friend Zone,\" which can be hard to get out of. Don\'t let your relationship enter a new, platonic phase. Another reason for no contact is because we change when we are going through a breakup. We are going through a lot and we react emotionally, which can cause us to be our own enemy. Instead of keeping in contact and taking the risk of pushing your ex away, take some time for yourself, and work on creating an _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 29 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ attraction. There are several ideas to help you during the course of this book. In short, do not contact your ex for the time being. As every relationship is different, the duration is up to you to decide. In my opinion a minimum of 21 days is optimal. But in general, you should stay away long enough to ensure you have respected your ex’s wishes, and long enough for your ex to begin to miss you. It should be long enough to be able to do the things you are about to set out to do. And you will have plenty to do, as you’ll soon find out. Exceptions What if we have kids together? Obviously if you have children with your ex, you are not going to be able to completely be out of the picture. You know your kids need you and you will not let your personal differences with your ex interfere with that. Be with your kids as much as you can be. And when you must see your ex, be friendly and cordial, but do not call them and ask for reconciliation if they have made it clear they are not interested in that now. What if we live together? If your ex broke up with you, obviously one of you is likely to be moving soon. For this to be a true break, one of you needs to move. If you’re up to it, and there’s nothing holding you back from being the one to move, then perhaps you can be the one to move out. Or you can tell your ex that since they broke up, then perhaps they should leave. If your ex broke up with you, but did not move out or request you to move out, then it’s possible your ex isn’t really interested in separation, but more likely your ex wants to make a point. Find out what that point is and make it your priority to understand why it is important to your ex. Before breaking off contact, show your ex that you understand what he or she is upset about and you want to make it right. Be sincere and honest, and hopefully you can reconcile. If this does not work and your ex still wants to be apart, then respect their wishes and do not contact them for a while. If you must remain in the same home, keep your time together to a minimum. This will be necessary because you need to move on with your life. You can still do this program. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 30 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Just let your ex see you improving your life. For example, since you are keeping time to a minimum, let them see you leaving for a walk/job, taking a class, or doing a new activity. Your ex will notice you are moving on without them and taking positive direction in your life. Here\'s where it gets interesting. People are drawn to others who respect themselves and dedicate themselves to personal growth and development. But your ex may feel that you have “moved up” and they may make snide comments or be unsupportive in an effort to bring you “down” to their perceived level. In this case, don\'t pay much attention to it – you\'re doing better and that\'s all you need to be concerned with. Or, instead of bringing you “down”, they may want to bring themselves “up” to your level by improving themselves as well. Sometimes, the ex wants to get back together to prove to themselves they are still good enough for you. If this happens, just make sure you have worked out all previous problems to avoid make sure your relationship can last (lots of tips on working out problems later in this book). What if we work together? In this case, or in any case where you must see your ex, simply be friendly and cheerful towards your ex. All conversation should be limited to what I call “niceties” (hello, goodbye, take care, etc.) and issues related to work. CAUTION: You want to be careful not to come off as passive aggressive, which is a fancy phrase for being withdrawn in order to get what you want. When we were kids they called it “pouting.” So be cordial and pleasant. But the less contact you have with your ex for now the better. What if I run into my ex, or my ex calls me? Again, be nice and friendly. Talk about them, not you. Everyone loves talking about himself or herself, plus you want to remain a “mystery” for a while. Remember, do not push or they will pull. Let them make the first move towards reconciliation. The bottom line is; keep it short and sweet and if your ex doesn’t bring up the subject of reconciliation, then say it was good to talk to them again and say goodbye. Mistake #10: Not taking responsibility and action. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 31 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ In talking about the previous breakup blunders, you’ve heard me point out that these mistakes don’t feel like mistakes at all. In fact, they feel natural. That’s because most of the time they are natural. In light of this, it would be easy to continue to make the same mistakes or to do nothing at all. That\'s why Mistake #10 is about not taking responsibility and action right now. Like the saying goes, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. Decide now to take responsibility for yourself. You now have an opportunity for self-development. Being apart doesn’t have to be a bad thing – use this time fo

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

In talking about the previous breakup blunders, you’ve heard me point out that these mistakes don’t feel like mistakes at all. In fact, they feel natural. That’s because most of the time they are natural. In light of this, it would be easy to continue to make the same mistakes or to do nothing at all. That\'s why Mistake #10 is about not taking responsibility and action right now. Like the saying goes, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. Decide now to take responsibility for yourself. You now have an opportunity for self-development. Being apart doesn’t have to be a bad thing – use this time for personal growth. Before you can have a new healthier relationship with your current ex, you must have a healthy relationship with yourself. Put another way, you must be able to stand on your own before you can stand side-by-side in a new, intimate relationship with your ex. Use this time to analyze yourself and your role in your relationship. Be truthful with yourself. In what ways might you have contributed to your breakup and what can you do to fix these problems so they don’t happen in the future. Often we blame our boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, our parents, the dog, you name it. But on the road of life, we are our own drivers, in charge or own way. The road may change, but how we drive it is entirely up to us. I encourage you to make the decision to take responsibility for your own life and your own decisions, including what you do, who you date or marry, how you conduct yourself… everything! It takes courage, but you can do it. In Chapter 16, we’ll take this even further and reveal how concentrating on yourself can actually cause your ex to do whatever you want them to do! 2. Take action: Now that you’ve learned the Biggest Breakup Mistakes, make a vow to yourself not to commit them. In review…. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 32 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ 1. Think objectively 2. Don’t beg or bargain 3. Don’t argue with your ex 4. Don’t try to make your ex feel jealous 5. Don’t try to manipulate your ex 6. Don’t be desperate 7. Don’t live in self-pity or play the victim 8. Let sadness take over. 9. Avoid continuous contact 10.Take responsibility and action Make a conscious decision to fix any behavior or habits that led to your relationship problems. Improve your relationship with you! Use this time to rediscover who you are. Feel your pain and own it. But know that it is always your choice to feel that way. Then move on. Dedicate yourself to self-growth. In time, you’ll be able to better acknowledge the mistakes you may have made in the past. You’ll be able to accept responsibility for your share of your relationship problems, including the problems that caused your breakup. The pain will heal and you’ll feel in control of who you are, the direction your life is taking, and in your role in your relationships. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 33 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 2: Getting Through Your Break Up With Your Heart Intact. \"Don\'t forget to love yourself.\" -- Soren Kierkegaard -- When someone breaks up with you, it can be one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking experiences you ever go through. The feeling of rejection that someone you love no longer loves you can seem unbearable. Even if you were the one to break it off, it can still be hard to deal with the emotions that follow. It may not seem like it now, but you will move on. There’s no way around it really. I’ll help you along the way. And right now I want to pass on a few tips for minimizing the pain and making you feel better. The best thing you can do now is stand up, take a deep breath, and make the decision to be better to yourself. And in doing so, you now decide to face the music head on. Know that right now you and your love are separated and you are going to move on with your life. You are going to be good to yourself. My goal for this book is two fold. My main objective is to reunite you with your loved one. I’ve had success in this area and I’m confident you will too. Your odds of getting back together with your ex dramatically improve when you are taking care of yourself and moving on. Why? Because doing so will make you confident and happy. You will be much more attractive to your ex if you project the quiet still confidence that comes from you being dedicated to you! Let’s take a worse case scenario. Let’s say your ex exercises free will and chooses not to reunite with you. Your attitude and confidence will still serve you well in attracting another lover. You never know – your soul mate might be right around the corner. People will react positively to you because your qualities will be attractive to them. You’ll have better relationship with your friends, co-workers, bosses, and just about anyone you come into contact with. And the best part is still to come. The best part is….. YOU will be happy. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 34 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Let’s not waste any more time. Decide right now that you will look after you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You will put one foot in front of the other and move on. You will not beat yourself up thinking about your ex. That doesn’t help the situation or lessen your pain. It’s very important to not dwell on the situation. How To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Thinking about your ex too much? If so, you’re not alone. Most of us spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, maybe even obsessing, about our lost loves. Never is this more apparent than right after a breakup. Thinking about my ex-boyfriends is something I had been doing after every breakup until I learned how to control my thoughts more. I use to lie awake at night rehashing everything that led to our breakup. But mostly I thought about the good times, and all the things that I loved about him. But I learned something during that breakup. I don’t have to spend my days and nights thinking about my lost love. And you don’t either. Don’t get me wrong, you will still think about your ex. That’s natural when you are in love with someone. But, as with everything, moderation is the key. You don’t want to spend the majority of your time obsessing about your ex. Even worse, you don’t want these constant thoughts about your ex to get in the way of other important areas of your life. The goal here is to give you some inner peace by minimizing the time you spend thinking about your ex. Here’s my best two tips on how to stop thinking about your ex all the time. One tip is for the short term and one is for the long term. They have worked like a charm for me and should do the trick for you as well. For the short term, do anything that engages your mind. For example, you might play tennis with a friend or take part in a pick-up game of basketball. Doing activities with others is a great way to take your mind off of anything, _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 35 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ including your ex. That’s a lot different than, say, jogging by yourself, where you have plenty of time and opportunity to think about your ex. Write that book you’ve always thought about. Cook an exotic meal you’ve never made before. Anything that engages your mind will be rewarding to you while also providing relief from thoughts of your ex. For the long term, it’s a little trickier. One of the reasons people spend a lot of time thinking about their ex is because they miss them. Taking it a step further, they miss something that their ex provided. Laughter, security, and intelligent conversation are a few examples of things people miss about being in a relationship. Often times what people people miss most is just having someone to share things with. The trick is to determine what it is you are missing during this separation, and then take steps to fulfill that void in another way. For example, lets say you are thinking a lot about various times when you and your ex were having fun and laughing together. Then I would suggest you connect with good friends and create new fun memories with them. Do you miss the sense of security that you felt in your relationship? Learn how to find security in yourself instead. You can do this by building your selfconfidence (Step 3 is full of ideas and tips in this area). You can also find security by leaning on things that are of the utmost importance in your life. This could be your faith, your family, close friends, or anything else at the core of who you are as a person. Take comfort in those things and in the knowledge that they help make you the wonderful person you are. Take care of yourself by addressing your personal needs. It will give you peace of mind and help you get through your breakup. Moving On! Do you still want to know what your ex is doing, who they are seeing, and how they feel about your breakup? If you are, you are still emotionally involved with this person. You’re relationship really isn’t over yet. But you do need to _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 36 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ move on. Remember that you may want to get back with your love, but if you do, you need to enter a new relationship. Because even though you surely had good times, your past relationship had problems that led to your breakup. Move on with a new commitment to the future and to yourself. And if you do reunite with your ex, you can enter a new and healthier relationship. So how do you move on? To start, you’ll need physical distance from your ex. Your heart and emotions may still be with your ex, but your actions must be independent. You cannot have contact with your ex right now. That means no calls, no driving by their house, and no planned run-ins with them. Limit your time with mutual friends. This will give you some space to work through your breakup. They will remind you of your ex and you don’t need that right now. Plus their loyalties may be divided being that they are friends with both of you. Do not enter into another romantic relationship. It’s too soon. Instead, concentrate on the outstanding, superb, loving, super fabulous person known as You. Take part in activities which raise your esteem such as taking care of your body and learning new skills. Allow yourself time to grieve. If you push your feelings down and deny them, they will only resurface later. Think of your feelings like a big cup. You can keep filling up that cup, but at some point in time, your cup will overflow. Empty your cup a little by taking some time to grieve and perhaps talk to a close friend or relative. Your cup needs to empty out a little at times to make room for more experiences and feelings later. You are doing yourself a great service by giving yourself time and acknowledging your feelings. Don’t judge yourself or try to fix or avoid these feelings. Own them. In other words, be ok with your feelings. Realize you are human and this is all natural. In times like this, it may not seem like it, but you will be blessed. You will come out of this with a better understanding of yourself and perhaps a new purpose. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 37 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Is the pain too much? If the pain is too much, and you find yourself very depressed, do not hesitate to call a counselor. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, or if you feel out of control, contact someone immediately. Talk to a family member, a friend, or a support person. Contact anyone you can talk to honestly. If you have to, go to your hospital or a support group. You can also call a 24-hour hotline. Here are two well-known help hotlines. 1. National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE) http://www.hopeline.com/ 2. National Suicide Prevention Helpline 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273- TALK) You can call 911 and they will provide you with someone to talk to who will listen to you and help you. It’s important to remember that suicidal thoughts are expressions of a treatable medical condition. They are not your fault and you can overcome them. Do not let fear, embarrassment, or anything else stand in the way of contacting a family member, friend, physician, therapist, or a support person. Talk to someone – right now. Remember our problems are temporary. But suicide is permanent and obviously not the answer. Don’t give in to thoughts of suicide. You can overcome them. Your condition can be treated. You can get through this. Promise yourself you will. Promise yourself you will talk to someone, and get professional help. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 38 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 3: 10 Helpful Tips To Remember About Your Break Up “The course of true love never did run smooth. “ -- William Shakespeare -- If you’re like me, right about now you’ve got a thousand things going through your head. When past relationships for me ended, I used to spend a great deal of time analyzing what happened, what went wrong, where it went awry and so forth. This is a good thing but only to a point. It’s natural to ponder things. And doing so shows you care, which really shows an emotional maturity that is necessary for a serious relationship. But just be careful not to get lost in it. It’s real easy to spend every waking moment dissecting everything. And what usually happens is you get so close to the situation, you can’t see it. This makes it difficult, if not impossible, to understand the situation. So let me outline 10 things to remember about your breakup. Let’s try to find some clarity, shall we? 1. There is nothing wrong with you. Just because your relationship did not work doesn’t mean you are a bad person. You are still the same wonderful you that existed before this relationship. It hurts to be rejected, but don’t take that to mean you are any less as a person. Do NOT take it personally. 2. Don’t assume your ex no longer cares for you. Most of the time, breaking up is hard for both parties. Chances are, your ex still cares for you, and he or she just doesn’t want a relationship. Remember the difference. 3. Breaking up is hard. You will have good days and bad days. It’s natural to feel sad or upset. Allow yourself these feelings; it’s part of the healing process. 4. The sooner you forgive your ex, the better. Don’t make your ex the target of your bad feelings. True healing cannot begin until you let go of _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 39 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ your ex. And you will be glad you did. It will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders once you can forgive them and no longer blame them. Besides, when you do get back together, you’re going to have to forgive them anyway. Do it today instead. 5. Since we’re letting go of blame, let’s take it a step farther and let go of embarrassment. A lot of people worry about how their breakup looks to others. In the big picture, it’s really not that important. Chances are you are going to live well into your 70’s, 80’s or even beyond. So to put it into context, this is just a small time in your life. Don’t be embarrassed. Let it go. It’s counterproductive to your healing and it serves no purpose for you. 6. Do not give your ex a guilt trip. This goes hand in hand with the previous step. It’s real easy to give your ex a guilt trip, in the hopes of getting back together. Criticism and guilt trips only cause one thing. Resentment. When you criticize your ex, their natural reaction is to feel defensive. This will only create a combative situation, which is the exact opposite of our goal of reconciliation. 7. Don’t bad mouth your ex. It’s real easy to act out and gossip about your ex. Just realize any pleasure you get from this will be short lived. You are planning on reconciling with your lost love. Don’t disrespect them now by spreading rumors or saying malicious things. You may get back together, but others may still remember the remarks you make. If you really love your ex, you’ll be above negative talk. 8. Your ex may be dating someone else now. If you’re upset, that’s ok. It’s natural. I know that may not be comforting now but allow yourself to feel upset about it. It’s part of the healing process. 9. No one deserves to be hurt. You don’t deserve it and your ex doesn’t deserve it. If your ex is in a new relationship, their new partner doesn’t deserve it either. It’s a touchy time, and you need to be careful not to hurt others and likewise, others need to be respectful of your feelings as well. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 40 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ 10. Know that all is not lost. Things look bleak now, but you may soon be together again. How you handle things now will go a great way in determining if the two of you have a future. If you are mean and spiteful, y our ex will be left with no choice than to carry on without you. But if you forgive and treat your ex and their desires with grace and respect, you’ll give yourself some room for a possible future relationship. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 41 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 4: Forgiveness For Peace Of Mind “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.” -- Martin Luther King -- Did your relationship demonstrate the capacity for forgiveness? If you can’t forgive your ex’s transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love. Is your ex capable of forgiving you? If not, maybe you need to re-think if you really want to be with this person. My great-grandparents were married for over 50 years. When I got married, my great-grandmother told me some simple but powerful words of advice. “No one is perfect,” she said. “You two will make mistakes. But you will have a strong marriage if you can forgive each other.” How will you know if you need to forgive? That’s easy. You know because you will have a persistent sadness deep inside, eating away at you. This is letting you know you need to forgive someone, or even yourself. Think about this for a moment. When we choose not to forgive, who are really hurting? We are really hurting ourselves more than anyone else. Perhaps you are not forgiving your ex? You might be hurting them in the process. But I guarantee it is hurting you 10 times more. The first step to forgiveness is understanding what you are forgiving. Are you forgiving a specific action taken by your ex? Maybe you are forgiving them for the hurt they caused you? But forgiving them will free you of a great deal of pain. Forgiveness does not mean: 1. The other person is right and you wrong. 2. You condone their actions. 3. You will forget your pain 4. You accept inappropriate actions or behavior from others. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 42 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ But what forgiveness does mean is that we acknowledge our pain and, by forgiving, we are choosing to put things in the past. We are letting go. We are forgiving so that we can be free of the pain associated with that which we are forgiving. We’ve all needed forgiveness from someone else in the past. Think about a time when you did something that hurt someone else. Maybe it was something you said. Or maybe you did something you wish you hadn’t. Take a moment to remember the entire situation that led to your hurtful action. Do you remember how you wished you could’ve taken it back? How did the other person respond? Did they forgive you? How long did it take before they forgave you? What would’ve happened if they had not forgiven you? They would not have been able to see you as you are now. Their memory of you would be linked to that incident. So you can see that refusing to forgive binds people to their past and to hurtful memories. If this person had not forgiven you, they would never see all that you have to offer. If you forgive your love, you will enable yourself to see your ex in the future for all their good and at the same time you will be breaking the chains that bind you to a hurtful past. If you want to reunite with your love, you will both need to forgive each other. Because if you don’t, the feelings you have will lead to resentment and you will trust each other less. Your hearts will grow bitter. Why wait? Forgive now. You can say it to yourself. Tell yourself you forgive your ex for his/her transgressions and you will not let it weigh you down any longer. You will free yourself of this hurtful emotion and let it go. You will allow yourself to see your ex in a new light, without the burden of resentments. You release the chains that bind you both to your past. You give yourself permission to let go and move forward. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 43 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Forgive Yourself So often we are able to forgive others but not ourselves. The reason is usually because we hold ourselves to unrealistically high standards that we would normally not expect of others. I mentioned in my bio that I made a lot of relationship mistakes. One time my boyfriend caught me in a lie. He did not think very kindly of me, and he broke up with me. I don’t know if he ever forgave me for my mistake, but I never did. Then one day I dropped by my friend Kim’s house to pay her a visit. When she answered the door, her eyes looked as if she had been crying for hours. We sat down and talked and she burst into tears again. She had lied to her boyfriend and he found out. It hurt him immensely, which in turn made her feel absolutely terrible about what had happened. At first I didn’t know how to respond, because I knew deep down I was guilty of this very thing, and I had never forgiven myself for it. But I couldn’t stand to see her in pain. I told her what I really felt. I told her she needed to own up to her mistake. And I told her she needed to forgive herself and let go of the guilt. Then I thought, why hadn’t I followed my own advice? Shouldn’t we all love and forgive ourselves, as we would advise our friends to do for themselves? I went home that day and did some serious soul searching. I realized that not only had I been sorry for my actions, I had taken positive steps to make sure I would not repeat that action. So I no longer had any reason to feel guilty or ashamed. I rid myself of those emotions by forgiving myself right then and there – and it felt great! Not forgiving yourself can often have terrible repercussions. Let me tell you about my friend Jim. Jim married his wife when he was only 18 years old and started a family shortly thereafter. Over the years, he had become regretful that he never got to enjoy the single life when he was younger. He loved his wife, but he resented the path his life had taken. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 44 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ He took his anger out on his wife verbally and he was distant from his kids. Their marriage suffered some serious scars and wounds and he said his family was “holding on by a thread.” He eventually realized what he was doing, and he tried to repair his relationship with his wife and kids. They forgave him, but he never forgave himself. He continually beat himself up over this and suffered severe depression because of it. He never let go of his past. I tried to convince Jim to forgive himself as his family had forgiven him. The past is gone and cannot be changed but his future is forever changed because he took positive action to correct his mistakes. He has been upset with himself for so long that it is hard for him to love himself again. But he’s working on it and I know he’ll get there. If you have something you’ve never forgiven yourself for, do it now. Loosen the chains that bind you to your past. Live for today and tomorrow and leave the past in your rear view mirror. Pardon yourself now. You’ll feel better immediately and you’ll be relieved of this unnecessary burden. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 45 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 5: Start Seeing Through The Eyes Of Your Ex “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.” -- W. Somerset Maugham -- To truly forgive your ex, and to get an objective viewpoint of your relationship, you need to begin to see things through the eyes of your ex. To illustrate this point, let me explain a story. Although this is not a story about relationships, its moral will demonstrate how seeing through the eyes of your ex will be crucial to any hopes of winning back their love. I was once a secretary for a boss that refused to promote me to become an account representative. I showed up early at work and never called in sick. The quality of my work was outstanding. I’m not just saying that, my boss himself said that in my annual review. But whenever I would ask for a promotion, he would deny me, saying he needed people who could already do the job. I was very upset with my boss. “I could do the job if he would promote me.” But I knew he was never going to do that. I thought about getting a job somewhere else. But I liked this company, and it was located very close to home. I liked most things about my job, except for my boss! Then I remembered something Kim had taught me; Look at things from the other person’s point of view. So instead of thinking about how wrong my boss was, I decided to step into his shoes for a moment. I realized he had bosses too. He likely wanted to be promoted as well. By promoting me, he’d be sticking his neck out. If I wasn’t able to handle the job, and if we lost clients as a result of it, he would hear about it from his boss. And by promoting me, he’d have to hire and train a new secretary. That new secretary might not pan out, which could be another problem for him. . _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 46 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ From his point of view, there was a lot of risk involved in promoting me and hiring a replacement. I now knew the cause of his actions. I knew why he hadn’t promoted me and I knew what I needed to do to alleviate those concerns. I had to eliminate the risk. For the next several weeks, I left my usual desk every day at lunch and began training with Shelly, an account representative that I was a friend with. I was able to do some of her daily tasks and reduce her workload so it was a win/win for us both. I also stayed late every day doing whatever needed to be done to service our clients. I did this until I was able to do everything like Shelly could. My boss got used to seeing me in a different role. He could see me helping clients. Some clients had even told him they were pleased with my work. He had visual proof every day that I could be an account representative. So when the next opening became available for the position, I walked in my boss’s office. I told him I knew I could do the job, because I was already doing it. I also told him, I him I had a friend who could do my job, and that I would make it my personal responsibility to get her up to speed. This way I eliminated all the risk for him. And it worked. He told me he had already decided to promote me but needed to find my replacement, and now I had taken care of that. Why do I mention this story? Because in order for you to move forward towards reconciliation, you are going to have to consider your ex’s point of view. That is not to say you should change your views so that you think exactly like your ex. You still have the right to be your own awesome self! But what it means is that you can gain unlimited knowledge about your ex and your relationship with him or her, by putting yourself in their shoes. There is a reason why your ex broke up with you. Figure out what that reason truly is, and you have the key to their actions and their personality. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 47 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Right now, close your eyes and ask yourself “How would I react if I were in my ex’s shoes?” Think about events that happened leading up to your separation. You know how you felt and reacted, but right now, think about the thoughts and feelings they might have had. What might their reactions have been? This exercise should give you insight to their actions. This is a great tool. Understanding how other people think is an incredible human relationship skill. It can help immensely in all your relationships, and in all other areas of your life that require personal interaction with others. Your career, your family relationships, you name it. Kenneth M. Goode wrote about this concept in his book How To Turn People Into Gold. “Stop a minute,” he wrote, “stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.” Learn this important skill as soon as possible. Begin putting it into practice. You will quickly see positive results in many aspects of your life, including in your relationship with your ex. If you want someone to do something for you, you first need to put yourself in his or her shoes. You want your lost love to come back to you. So starting today you need to look at things from your ex’s point of view. That concludes the “R” part of the system. In the next step, you’ll learn how less is more when it comes to creating attraction with your ex. Specifically, less contact means greater attraction in the long run. You’ll learn ways to maximize this strategy, including how to make your ex continually think of you while you’re away. When you do re-establish contact, you’ll be on new ground and your ex should be much more likely to consider reuniting. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 48 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Step 2: End Contact Temporarily Chapter 6: Drive Your Ex Back To You By Distancing Yourself From Them \"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.\" -- François de La Rouchefoucauld -- Ready to get your ex back? I’m going to show you now the best way to return your ex back to your arms. Simultaneously, it’s also the biggest reason people fail to return their ex if they do it wrong. So you can see how important it is to understand this concept. Ready? Here it is. Leave them alone. Break all contact. Now. That’s right, the “E” in the system stands for “End Contact Temporarily.” “What?” you say. “How can I get my ex back if I don’t have any contact with them?” Read on, it will make sense. I promise. Perfect sense. You are going to be doing things to improve yourself, as discussed in the other chapters of this book, and you want to “disappear” while you work on yourself. Don’t worry. You’ll reappear later, and you will positively surprise them with the positive changes you’ve made in your life. The Push-Pull Dynamic Before we go any further, it’s important to explain what psychologists have called the Push-Pull Dynamic. As suggested by its name, pushing yourself on your partner or pushing them to do something only causes them to pull away. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 49 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ You are pushing if: 1. You are constantly contacting your ex 2. You keep asking them to come back to you 3. You keep telling them how much you love and miss them and want them back 4. You keep planning “accidental” run-ins with your ex so you can chat 5. You routinely drive by their house and check up on them. This type of pushing usually brings about results which are the exact opposite of what the “pusher” is hoping for. For example, if you call your ex and beg them to come back, it’s obvious what you are hoping for – a reconciliation. But the result is often the exact opposite where your ex feels “pushed” and their reaction is to pull away. When the person we love does not reciprocate that love, we lose that sense of security and our need for reassurance from them only grows stronger. That’s why we instinctively seek to gain their approval soon after a breakup, and often resort to “pushing” tactics. Your ex may have told you they don’t want to be together any longer. Or perhaps they said they “wanted their space.” When you push, they can feel you are disregarding their wishes. In this way, they feel second-guessed. People want to feel right. It’s human nature. As mentioned before, even people on death row feel they have done nothing wrong. Obviously, it’s a strong human emotion. We want to be right and want others to believe we are right. When your ex asks for space, let them feel they are right. By pushing, you are sending a message that you do not respect their wishes and you feel they are wrong. Their natural reaction will be to pull away from you. Another thing to remember is that pushing makes you appear somewhat desperate and desperation is a turn-off to most people. The natural reaction to desperation is to pull away. I now know that when my relationships ended with both Ben and John, I pushed. I called them. I told them I would change. I asked for another chance. And with Ben, I purposely bumped into him when I knew where he would be. I _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 50 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ made all the classic mistakes. Not surprisingly, neither of them wanted to reconcile. Are you seeing how important this concept is? You can see why this is the biggest reason for couples to not reunite. One person pushes the other one away. And once they are gone, getting them back is almost impossible. The Good News But the good news regarding the Push-Pull Dynamic is that the opposite is also true. In other words, if you pull away, they will often push themselves towards you. And that is a powerful concept that is imperative that you understand. Being unavailable often pulls them towards you, like the old cliché’ that people want what they can’t have. The best way to pull away is to break contact with your ex altogether. While this can be especially hard to do, it accomplishes many things. 1. It validates your ex’s wishes by showing them you will respect their wishes. 2. It will begin to create a “mystery” about you. You want them to wonder how you are doing. There is no reason for them to contact you if they already know everything about you and your current situation. 3. It’s only natural for your ex to want to know if you still love them. We are all love-craving creatures at the core. At some point, they will need to know that you still want them back. And if they are unsure, they will have to contact you themselves in order to find out. And later I’ll show you how to time this with other strategies to really take advantage of this moment. It will make it practically impossible for your ex to resist you and will almost guarantee your reunion. (Explain later that when the ex does come calling back, if the reader has been working out and working on positive changes in their life – and especially their strong points that attracted their ex in the first place – then the ex will “re-discover” their ex at that moment, just as they did the first time they fell in love originally). _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 51 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Your ex will begin to wonder why you haven’t called. They will wonder if you are doing good, and just how good you are doing? Do you miss them? All sorts of questions will run through their heads and eventually they will be so curious about you, they will initiate contact with you. So there’s no need to badger them now, keep your distance and in the end they will actually come to you. If your ex knows you want them back, they know they can keep you on the sidelines as long as they want. There is no urgency to take you back because they know you are there when they are ready. With no urgency, they may decide to test the waters and make a decision about whether or not to take you back at a later date. It bears mentioning at this point, that there are people in this world who will break up in order to test the waters, feeling they can always get back with their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend if it doesn’t work out for them. You need to ask yourself if this is your situation. Does your ex regard you as a backup plan? If so, you really need to reconsider why you even want them back in the first place. Because ultimately in these sorts of situations, it is you that is the victim, and even if you get back together, there is no guarantee it won’t happen again. Do you really want that? If this situation applies to you, then you probably should move on without your ex. There are better fish in the sea that will love you for the awesome person you are. Find yourself someone who will love you and respect you without reservation and without resorting to these sorts of games. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 52 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 7: Rules Of Contact “I love you because I need you.\' Mature love says \'I need you because I love you.” -- Erich Fromm -- Refrain from contact for approximately 4 weeks. This is a general guideline. There is no hard-set number. Generally it’s best to go at least two weeks without contact to allow for bad memories to fade and to give you the opportunity to re-introduce yourself at a later time. You want to eventually surprise your ex with a newer and improved you. That is, a you that improves upon all the traits your ex loved about you to begin with. And it gives you time to correct habits or traits that are counter-productive to your happiness (perhaps these habits were traits your ex did not care for). Ideally, you will have at least 4 weeks without contact. During this time, you can be working on yourself, getting fit, improving your strong traits, eliminating negative traits or habits and so forth. At the same time, your ex will begin to wonder how you are doing, why you haven’t called, if you are still interested in them, etc. The key here is to remember that “no contact” means just that. NO CONTACT. No “accidental” run-ins, no phone calls, drive-by’s, etc. There are only a couple exceptions, which we’ll cover in the following pages. Just to drive the point home, 4 weeks is a guideline but not a hard and fast number. If your ex desires to reunite earlier, then by all means do it if you so desire. Just make sure to read the last section of this book for some pointers about reuniting. There are some things you will want to work out before reuniting to make sure your new relationship is stronger than ever and will not end in another breakup. Personal items and possessions. What if I have belongings at my ex’s place or vice-versa? If you have things at their home, get your things as soon as possible. If your ex still has things at your place, arrange for them to come by and pick them up as _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 53 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ soon as possible. Do not delay. This will show your ex you are committed to moving on. Mutual friends What if our mutual friends keep asking me questions? Tell your mutual friends not to talk about you to your ex. Don’t tell them your strategy. Just tell them you would appreciate it if they didn’t talk about you to your ex. Even though friends usually have your best interest in mind, sometimes they cannot help but to talk about you to your ex anyway. If you suspect this may be the case with your mutual friends, then I suggest limiting your time with common friends as much as possible. Obviously, if your best friend is also a friend with your ex, you will not want to sever that relationship. But in general, limit your time with common friends who keep in contact with your ex. The main reason to avoid these types of friends is because they are a direct link back to your ex. Besides being a constant reminder of your ex (and possibly bring about emotions in you towards your ex), they are also a communications tool leading right back to your ex. They will tell your ex how you are doing, what you are doing, how you are acting, what you are saying…. you get the picture. You want to remain a mystery to your ex for a while. He or she will not come calling you later if they already know everything about you. How to handle other friends and contacts Do not say negative things about your ex to your friends, family, co-workers and so forth. Only bad things can come from this. Inevitably, it will get back to your ex, and possibly end any chance of a reunion. And even if your ex never finds out what you say, your friends will remember. Then when you do reunite with your ex, your friends will question your devotion to this person whom you previously badmouthed. When people ask you how you are coping without your ex, tell them things are going good for you and that you are enjoying your new independent life. Your _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 54 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ friends will be happy for you and word will reach your ex that you are doing ok. This will again pique your ex’s curiosity about you. The opposite is also true, if your ex gets word that you still miss him/her or that you want them back, they will really have no reason to contact you. You are exactly where they want you to be Phone contact Obviously do not call them. If you don’t already have Caller ID, get it so you can avoid their calls for the time being. What if they leave a message? Should I call them back? Call them back only if it has been a few weeks since the break up. Remember, they left you; you don’t have to be there at their beck and call the first time they say, “jump”. If it has been a few weeks, call them back but keep the conversation short but friendly. Don’t fall all over them. Here are 7 Phone DOs and DON’Ts. DO 1. DO be short but friendly. Keep the call to 5 minutes or less. 2. DO tell them you’re sorry you didn’t call earlier but you’ve been very busy. You don’t need an excuse here and you don’t need to mention why you have been busy. Simply put, they just need to know you have been busy and you haven’t been sitting around staring at the phone waiting for their call. Like I said, apologize for not calling earlier because you have been busy and move on. 3. DO maintain their curiosity by not telling them all the things you’ve been up to. It’s very likely the very reason they called you in the first place is because their curiosity is piqued. Don’t satisfy their need for answers. Leave them wanting more. Remember, the more they don’t know about you, the less they need to think about you. Put another way, the less they know about you, the more curious they are about you, and the more they think about you. And that is exactly what you want right? _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 55 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ 4. DO let them know you are doing ok. They will likely ask how you’ve been and you want them to know you are doing well (even if inside you miss them terribly and want to scream “COME BACK TO ME”). Again, you don’t need to detail all the positive changes you’ve made. Your selfconfidence will be evident and that is all they really need to know at this point. 5. DO be classy. Be on your best behavior. Don’t respond if your ex seems to be trying to push your buttons and start an argument. As the saying goes, “show ‘em your class, not your ass.” Just tell them you are busy at the moment and you have to get going and end the call. 6. DO address them by name. It’s a very subtle way of showing respect. 7. DO try to end the call gracefully as soon as possible by saying you are really busy at the moment but you will call them back. But do not call them back. This will create the natural reaction in them to wonder WHY you haven’t called back. This will add to their curiosity and have them continuing to think about you . DON’T 1. DON’T ask them to come back to you or mention how much you desperately miss them. Remember – no “pushing.” 2. DON’T give them too little by just giving ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers to questions and generally not saying much. This will only make you look flippant, arrogant, or even passive aggressive. More on questions in a moment… 3. DON’T be too chatty and give away the farm by detailing all the changes you’ve made in your life. You want your ex to be curious about you, and that will all end the minute you start detailing every aspect of your life. You want to leave your ex wanting more. 4. DON’T tell them you have changed. Actions speak louder than words. And they are more believable. Even if you tell them you have changed, they are going to want to see proof of it for themselves. If you’ve been making a lot of improvements in your life, chances are word will get back to them anyway. And the fact that you didn’t tell them about it will only make you appear more independent and self-confident, which are strong attractors. 5. DON’T talk about your relationship. That includes talking about your feelings (or theirs). _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 56 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ 6. DON’T get into a question and answer dialogue. This can very quickly lead to more questions and pretty soon they know all they wanted to know. This is the Scenario Of Disaster! You want to leave them wanting more information. Do not ask your ex any questions and if they ask you questions, try to end the phone call as quickly and gracefully as possible. This is another reason to keep the call under 5 minutes. Any longer and you are very likely to enter a Q & A dialogue! 7. DON’T ask them if they are dating others. Don’t tell them if you are dating or not. Don’t bring up anything at all that has to do with dating or your love life. This will only kill your goal of piquing their interest and curiosity. These DON’Ts can be hard to adhere to because chances are you have questions about your ex that you want answers to. But it is very important to remember the Push-Pull Dynamic here. Don’t push, or your ex may pull away. The opposite holds true as well. If you pull, your ex will eventually push towards you. Here’s a sample phone call: EX: Hello YOU: Hi _____ (name) it’s me. I got your call and wanted to call you back. Sorry I didn’t call sooner, I’ve just been real busy. How have you been? EX: Fine. How about you? YOU: I’m doing good. Was there something you called about? EX: No, I just wanted to say hello and see what you are up to. YOU: Yeah, everything’s good. Actually, it’s really good to talk to you ________ (name) and I’m glad you’re doing well. But actually I’m kind of busy right now - I’ll call you back ok? EX: OK! YOU: Bye EX: Bye _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 57 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ That’s an ideal call because it is polite, brief, and lets your ex know you are busy. Being brief helps to make sure your conversation doesn’t go in any number of directions. Remember, you are in a period of maintaining no contact. The only reason it is ok to return their call is because not calling them back will either send a message you are upset with them or that you do not want to ever talk to them again. You do want to talk to them again, so keep things cordial. The best thing you can do here is be short but brief in order to maintain your ex’s curiosity. If your ex ends up talking about things going on in his/her life, be a good listener and keep the conversation about them, so long as it is not love-related. That way you do not give away anything about yourself and can maintain your “mysterious” status. But make sure to keep the call brief. Public encounters What happens if I run into them in public? Should I avoid them? No, do not avoid them. Do whatever you would do normally – nothing more, nothing less. If you run into them, remember to be pleasant but brief. Like our phone call, don’t ask them to come back. Don’t tell them you miss them. Don’t talk about your relationship, your feelings, their feelings, talk of reuniting, etc. Again this will make you look desperate and desperation is a turn-off. Ask them how they are doing, tell them you are doing well and move on. Remember to smile as they create a positive impression. And as mentioned in the phone call section, say their name. Dale Carnegie once said that a name “is to that person, the most important sound in any language.” If you are at a party, it’s ok to let them see you having a good time. But don’t overdo it. If you pour it on, you will only look like a poser. We’ve all seen it before. It’s completely transparent and will only make you look foolish. Just be genuine and behave naturally. Conversely, it is not ok to let them see you when you are vulnerable. Put on your best face if you have to, but don’t let them see you hurt. If you have to, smile and excuse yourself to the restroom until you can collect yourself. Don’t give them any indication you are hurt by your breakup. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 58 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Date Etiquette What if I run into my ex when I’m on a date? Here are a few guidelines to follow if you are on a date and you run into your ex. 1. Don’t do anything with your date you wouldn’t have done if your ex weren’t there. Treat your date with respect. Mostly importantly, be natural. Be genuine. 2. You can be affectionate, just not any more than you would normally if your ex wasn’t there. Don’t overdo it and completely fawn all over your date. If you overdo it, or constantly look over at your ex, your ex will see right through you and the game you are playing. 3. Don’t be distant from your date. You may feel awkward with your ex present and be tentative towards showing any affection towards your date. That’s natural. Just don’t be distant either. It’s not fair to your date. 4. Give your date the attention and respect they deserve. Be gracious and don’t pay any attention to your ex. He or she doesn’t deserve to be caught up in any games with your ex. In fact, it’s probably best to not even mention your ex. 5. Don’t make out wildly with your date or use your date to make your ex jealous. Some relationship gurus will tell you to make your ex jealous. I strongly suggest you do not attempt to make them jealous for these very important reasons. a. It’s a classless way to treat your date. b. The idea is to bring your ex closer to you. Jealousy drives people farther apart. c. Most people see right through it anyway. This will just make you look foolish and petty, which is also a turn-off. 6. If the situation is too awkward, tell your date you want to bring them to a new or special place that you like and leave immediately. This will really show your ex you have moved on and their curiosity will really be piqued. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 59 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ These are tips to keep in mind should you run into your ex. Hopefully you won’t have to worry about it and you can successfully maintain no contact with your ex for a period of time. There will be plenty of work to do in the meantime. However, there is important technique to remember for breaking off all contact for good. It’s the single most important technique I have used for getting my ex back in the past. It is essential for optimizing the No Contact Rule. Do this one technique and you can be sure your ex is thinking of you, even though you are temporarily out of sight. So please make sure to pay attention to The Seed Planter in the next section. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 60 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 8: The Seed Planter “I think it is all a matter of love the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is.” -- Vladimir Nabokov -- Up until this point, your ex has been in a position of power. They called off the relationship, and they have requested time apart and physical separation. You may have already asked for reconciliation. Now you are about to going to get a little of that power back yourself. Earlier we discussed the importance of maintaining no contact. You are going to give them the separation they desire, and then we’ve got plenty of work to do. But before we do that, we are going to plant a seed in your ex’s mind. When you are separated, they will naturally wonder what you are up to, and since you will be maintaining no contact, they will not have anything to go on. All they will have is this little seed that you are going to plant. And if your experience is like mine, and others I know to have tried this technique, this seed will grow and evolve into thoughts of reconciliation at a later point. Quite often, your ex will be the one to contact you wanting to get back together. You should have one last conversation before eliminating contact and here is the seed that you need to plant during this conversation. Before breaking off contact, say something similar to the following: “I don’t want this breakup, but I know you do, and I respect you so I will respect your decision. I’m sorry but I can’t be a friend at this point because I need some time myself to get through this. I don’t know if we could ever get back together again but if we did we would have to work through our problems to make our relationship better.” And with that, wish them well and say your goodbyes. You can word it how you want, but it should include the two key components found in the statement above. First, you are respecting them and their decision. And secondly, reconciliation can never happen unless they agree to work _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 61 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ through the problems you have encountered so that any future relationship has a chance at survival. This shows emotional security on your part. And it also sets the parameters of your relationship going forward – on your terms. Also, notice how the above statement doesn’t say anything like; “if you change your mind and want to get back together, let me know.” Words like that set you up to be the “fall back” person. Role Reversal What you’ve done with that statement is give your position some strength. Because in a sense, you have reversed the roles. Now it is almost as if you broke up with your ex. You have told them you can’t be friends and it should be clear to them that they won’t be seeing much of you. Now it is you who is the rejecter and your ex who is the rejected. Chew on that for a minute  When you were the rejected, you likely made some of the mistakes we discussed in Part 1. You may have called your ex repeatedly and begged them to come back. That is because it is natural for the rejected to want devoted love from the rejecter. Now you’ve just reversed the roles a bit. Your ex may not call you the next day looking for a second chance (it may take a few weeks for that ), but you’ve likely made them see you in a new light. They may even be second-guessing themselves. You have done something very important. You’ve planted a seed with your ex, which will stick in their mind. And you’re no longer the person they dumped. You are the person who took control of the situation, and put your ex on notice. If they want to get back together, it will be on your terms. That seed will give them plenty to think about in the weeks ahead as you maintain no contact with them. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 62 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Grow the seed In the weeks ahead, you will be learning, growing, and trying new things. With any luck, you will be having so much fun you will no longer be consumed with thoughts of your ex. But your ex should be thinking of you. In other words, you should be growing the seed you have planted in their mind. How can you make your ex think of you while still maintaining no contact? The best way is through the use of a mutual friend. Earlier I mentioned that you should limit contact with your mutual friends. That’s because if your mutual friends tell your ex everything about you, you can’t maintain your “mysterious” status. That is absolutely true in my experience. However, there is one exception to the rule. Most people have a friend that is like a bullhorn. You tell this friend something, and they tell the world. Think of a mutual friend of both you and your ex that fits this description. This person is a Messenger Friend. I’m not saying you should use your friend. But there’s no reason you can’t take advantage of their talent of spreading the word. Keep in touch with this friend every week and let them know what you are up to. You can sleep well at night knowing your friend will tell your ex that you are doing great things with your life. Another way to think of it – your friend is giving the seed you planted lots of water so it can grow. You are almost guaranteed your ex will be thinking about you. Imagine your ex hearing the following statements from your friend. “I talked to _________ (your name) yesterday. He/she looks good. He’s lost 15 pounds. He’s working out like crazy.” “I talked to _________ (your name) the other day. He/she is going out with someone from his/her art history class on Friday.” _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 63 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ “Oh I saw __________ (your name) again. Boy, he/she seems really happy. He/she is really positive now. This guy cut in front of him/her in line and he didn’t let it bother him at all. He just seems at peace or something.” You get the idea. Statements like this will keep you in mind while you are off doing your thing. One thing that happens naturally when one person grows, is that the other person wants to know how they measure up? They want to know if they are still good enough for you? They want to know if you still have feelings for them or if you have truly moved on? If your ex is like most people, they will eventually make contact with you in an effort to answer questions like these. See how the roles have changed? Do not overdo it. You want to limit the information you give your Messenger Friend and other friends. You want to maintain some mystery when it comes to your ex. You want them wondering what you are up to. The information your ex learns from your Messenger Friend should only be enough

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WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ “Oh I saw __________ (your name) again. Boy, he/she seems really happy. He/she is really positive now. This guy cut in front of him/her in line and he didn’t let it bother him at all. He just seems at peace or something.” You get the idea. Statements like this will keep you in mind while you are off doing your thing. One thing that happens naturally when one person grows, is that the other person wants to know how they measure up? They want to know if they are still good enough for you? They want to know if you still have feelings for them or if you have truly moved on? If your ex is like most people, they will eventually make contact with you in an effort to answer questions like these. See how the roles have changed? Do not overdo it. You want to limit the information you give your Messenger Friend and other friends. You want to maintain some mystery when it comes to your ex. You want them wondering what you are up to. The information your ex learns from your Messenger Friend should only be enough to let them know something good about you. This will spark other thoughts and questions about you and how you are doing. But if your friends can answer all these questions for your ex, then there isn’t much of a reason for them to contact you is there? Think of it like a television news “teaser.” A teaser is when the anchor tells you a few words about an upcoming story and then tells you to stay tuned for all the details. I don’t know about you, but I’ve watched a lot of news (even when I didn’t want to) just to be able to see a story that caught my interest when the anchor teased it. The lesson here is to give your Messenger Friends just enough information to pique interest – and nothing more. We\'re ready for the “T” in the system now. Step 3 is “Thrive in Self- Development.” It’s my favorite step because it’s all about you and what you’ll be doing while you maintain no contact. When you do re-establish contact with your ex, the positive changes in your life will be very evident, and curiosity will be at a peak level! _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 64 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Step 3: Thrive In Self-Development Chapter 9: It’s All About You “The art of being yourself at your best is the art of unfolding your personality into the person you want to be. . . . Be gentle with yourself; learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.” -- Wilfred A. Peterson -- This section is entirely devoted to you. Just you. Now that you’re taking a break from contact with your ex, you’ve got plenty of time for yourself and it’s a great time for you to try new things. It’s exciting to do things for yourself, and I’m here to tell you to do as many new things as possible. It’s good for the soul. You’ll feel better and more satisfied immediately. There are several important reasons to do things for yourself right now. Among them: 1. It will make you feel better. 2. When we self improve, we reap the benefits for years. 3. You will be more confident. 4. Your ex will see that you love yourself, you’re improving, and you’ve moved on. All of these things are attractive to others, including your ex. That is the point at this stage. Do things for yourself that make you feel better. And if it just so happens it helps you regain the love of your ex, then all the better. More will be explained as we go, but for now, let’s get started. During past breakups, I usually got very down on myself. You may feel down as well. But my friend Kim taught me it’s important to love yourself, now more than ever. It’ll be good for you, and it will help bring back the one that you love. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 65 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ When you do eventually talk with your ex, he or she will immediately notice changes in you. Now I’m not suggesting or advocating becoming a new person. I’m talking about self-improvement. And self-improvement is just that – improving yourself. In other words, improving upon the person your ex fell in love with. First a word about self-improvement. Self-improvement often conjures up images of late-night infomercial gurus telling you to buy their expensive courses and promises of a “new you.” I’m here to tell you I don’t want you to be anyone other than yourself. But there are little things you can do to improve yourself and add to your existing good qualities. Things that contribute to your well-being. Things that are good for you and good for those around you. Things that improve how you see yourself, and how others see you. Things that will give you peace of mind and a feeling of contentment. Admittedly, I’m a self-improvement “addict.” I think it’s fun. I get a kick out of setting goals for myself and achieving them. And I get immense satisfaction from trying and learning new things. It keeps life fresh and new. So without beating around the bush, let’s get to it. I’m going to suggest a few ways for you to spend your time, now that you have some newfound freedom. All of these things will give you an immediate boost in your life, and fill the void left by your ex. Right now, you may be feeling depressed and unable to do much of anything. I urge you to make sure you take the steps outlined in this section. Not only will it help you get your ex back, but you’ll be able to bring so much more to your relationship when the time comes. You’ll be able to have a much more fulfilling and enriched relationship when you do get back together with your ex. Or conversely, you may even discover you don’t need your ex to be truly happy or that your ex is actually bad for you. No matter what happens, the more you learn and improve about yourself, the more content and confident you will be. Are you ready? Good. Let’s get to it. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 66 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 10: Do A Self-Inventory “Never wish life were easier, wish that you were better.” -- Jim Rohn – If you are like I was, you may feel you are stuck in a rut. The best way to get out of it is to dedicate yourself to self-improvement and motivation. It can change your life for the better. To begin, do a self-inventory. Grab a pen or pencil and complete the Pros and Cons of the Self-Inventory Analysis in the Appendix section at the end of the book. Detail your traits and characteristics. This is a good way to take responsibility for your life and to realize that you are the captain of your life, steering it in any direction, through rocky seas or still waters. I started my self-inventory as the first page in my journal. I have a special journal that I use to chart my own personal progress in overcoming problems and weakness and improving upon my strengths. You may want to start a journal as well. It’s invaluable to see what you’ve been and where you are going. The important thing is to start now. And the best way to start is to ask yourself a lot of questions. In your relationships, what do you bring to the table? Are you loving, considerate, and sensitive to your partner? Do you give more than take or viceversa? Are you easy going or high maintenance? Are you confident or do you come off as desperate to your ex? Ask yourself questions. “Why was I in the relationship?” “Why do I want my ex back?” Hopefully the answers to those questions will bring about clarity. But if you don’t like the answers, remember that you are the captain and perhaps you want to steer your life in another direction. Ask yourself; did you do something to trigger the break-up? If so, have you taken steps to right that wrong? Or perhaps your ex did something to trigger the breakup. Are you willing to reunite with your ex even if they don’t apologize for their mistake? Either way, make sure whatever caused your breakup is resolved before resuming your relationship. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 67 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Take out another sheet of paper and make another Pro and Con list. Only this time, list the traits and characteristics of your ex. What does he or she bring to the relationship? Are they making an attempt to satisfy your needs? Are you doing your part while your ex is not showing dedication to the relationship? Or are you expecting more from your partner than you yourself deliver? By taking a hard, objective look at the positive and negative traits of your ex, you may realize you can find a better mate. Or you may discover you can do better in what you give to your relationships. Back to your list. After you have looked objectively at yourself and your relationship, take an inventory of other areas of your life and add them to your list. Especially look long and hard at things which occupy a significant portion of your time. Take a long look at your mental and physical self. Are you mentally strong? Are you confident? Physically, are you where you want to be? Take a look at your job. Ask, “Why am I doing this job?” “Do I have good relationships with my coworkers?” “Would I be happier in another job?” Again, if you don’t like the answers to the questions, perhaps it is time for a new job or time to start the business you’ve always dreamed of. What about your friends? Do you surround yourself with friends who are on the same path of improvement? The best way to get where you want to go is to join like-minded friends on your journey, or to follow friends who have already charted the path you are on now. You should have an equal amount of pros and cons on your page. If one side is short, ask yourself more questions. We all have strengths and no doubt you do too. And we all have weaknesses. Fortunately, we can improve or even eliminate them. Writing out a self-inventory has many benefits. 1. You can identify areas of your life, which are positive and can be cultivated more. 2. You can see how others see you, and even how your ex sees you. 3. You can set in motion an action plan, to take advantage of your strengths and improve your weaknesses. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 68 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ The rest of this section is an action plan to an improved you. This is all part of the plan. By improving upon the things your ex fell in love with, they will rediscover the feelings they had when they first met you. By improving upon your weaknesses, they will be attracted to your growth. Displaying the confidence and love for yourself that it takes to commit to self- improvement (and the fact that you have done so on your own), makes you irresistible. When you do eventually talk to your ex, you will be in a much better place, both mentally and physically. I’m betting they will be the one to initiate contact with you and the choice to reunite will be yours, not theirs. But, in a worst case scenario, even if they do not want to reunite, you should have little problem finding a new mate and entering into an even more fulfilling relationship. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 69 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 11: Get In Shape. The Ultimate Attractor “Life is not living, but living in health” -- Marcus Velerius Martialis -- Starting today, I want you to commit to 30 days of working out at least a half hour a day. Obviously check with your doctor first to make sure this is ok. If you’re doctor approves, I want you to commit to 30 days of working out 1/2 hour a day. Will you do that? Why 30 days? Because it has often been said it takes 30 days to make a habit. If you can exercise for 30 days straight, you will have successfully added exercise as a part of your lifestyle, and you are very likely to continue exercising for the rest of your life. And I want you to get in the habit of improving your physical self. Besides the obvious health benefits, you’ll feel better about yourself. And if that’s not enough, know that your ex will take notice as well. When you do see your ex, he or she will notice that you are not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You are not dependant on them anymore. You have a life of your own and you love yourself enough to take care of yourself. Rest Right now you’re probably saying, “Yeah right Annalyn, my body will need to relax at some point!” And you are right. During your 30 days, your body will have days where it needs rest. Listen to your body. Perhaps you can do something light those days. For example, you may just take a walk around the neighborhood a couple days a week. The point is to do get in the habit of exercising. It may seem hard at first, but after 30 days, you will have developed an exercise habit and you will actually look forward to your workouts. Your days will not seem complete without a workout. Your body, mind and soul will feed off the positive benefits of exercise. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 70 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Here’s some exercise tips that have served me well over the years. 1. Make a goal for yourself. Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to gain muscle? Lose some fat around your hips? Trim your “love handles” or “beer belly”? Fit into some of your old clothes? Decide today what your goal is. Then break that goal down in to smaller milestones that will lead you to successfully achieving your goal. The milestones should be measurable so you can visibly see your progress. For example, if you want to lose 20 pounds, try to reach a milestone of losing 3 pounds in exactly one week. Then next week you can weigh yourself and visibly see yourself progressing towards your goal. 2. Reward yourself. When you do reach milestones, give yourself a reward. Buy yourself those clothes you’ve always wanted. It’s a good way to stay motivated and on course with your goals. 3. Mix up your workouts. The fastest way to falling off an exercise program is to get bored. Give yourself different workouts as often as possible. And never do the same workout more than two weeks. Your body will adapt and will figure out how to achieve the workout with minimal effort. While that makes for an easy workout, it’s not helpful in achieving your goals. 4. Drink lots of water. It’s good for hydration. It’s good for satiating your hunger. It’s good for your body. It’s good for your skin. It makes you look more firm and toned. Obviously there are a lot of benefits to drinking water. My trainer told me that most people need 3 quarts of water a day to stay adequately hydrated, and then another 8 ounces or water per day for every 25 lbs. they are overweight.. 5. Eat sensibly. Even if you don’t want to start a diet, you can do wonders for yourself just by controlling your food portions. A trainer once told me to never have a portion bigger than my fist. 6. Get plenty of rest. Your body needs rest, especially when you work out regularly. Make sure you get adequate sleep so your body can heal, replenish itself, and be rested for your next workout tomorrow. 7. Do some resistance training. Did you know your body burns 50 calories a day maintaining just one pound of muscle? So imagine if you gained 5 pounds of muscle. Your body would burn an extra 250 calories every day. That’s equivalent to the amount of calories you can burn by jogging for 30 minutes. So you can see the effect that a few extra pounds of muscle can have on raising your metabolism. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 71 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ a. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Applied Physiology found that, although weight training doesn\'t burn as many calories as cardio training does, it does significantly raise your average daily metabolic rate and your ability to lose fat. b. Some women have said to me they are afraid of looking like a man. You do not have to worry about that. A woman’s body does not naturally produce enough testosterone to build as much muscle as men. And you would have to lift weight several hours a day in order to achieve the significant gains necessary to obtain that look. I’m not suggesting you set out on that course. But I do want to point out the benefit of gaining just a few pounds of muscle. It will speed up your metabolism and burn fat. 8. Work out with a trainer or exercise partner. My best progress has taken place when I’m accountable to someone other than myself. I won’t cancel a workout if it means I have to call my workout partner first. Likewise, I work out harder when my trainer is watching me. Another benefit to working out with someone else is that it is more interesting. It’s not as dull as working out by yourself. Commit to an exercise program today. If you’re not in the habit of exercising, perhaps it is best to start slow. If you need motivation, try this on for size. It’s a month from now. You run into your ex, who notices immediately your physical change. They ask if you’ve been working out, or they mention they heard (from your Messenger Friend) you were working out. You non-chalantly admit that you have. After a few minutes of small talk, you wish them well, and say goodbye. Your ex is going to notice a few things, all of which are good for you. First, you look great. Second, you’re not sitting around thinking about them all day. Third, if you’ve started working out, perhaps you are doing other new things as well – they can only wonder  Ultimately, you will arouse a curiosity in your ex who is now wondering how you spend your days. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 72 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Remember, we want your ex to come crawling back to you. And step one is to arouse their curiosity in you – much like when you first met. And all the while you are doing something positive for yourself. It’s a win/win! _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 73 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 12: Take Up New Activities “Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a lit contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” -- Louis E. Boone -- I always wanted to learn how to sing. After my breakup with John, my friend Kim suggested I take singing lessons. I had been so distraught over my breakup I did it just so I could think about something else. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Now I sing every day. It’s something I do for me. I also love to sing for my husband. He enjoys it and he sometimes joins in with his guitar. Why do I tell you this? Because you have an opportunity right now to do something you’ve always wanted to do. And you know what? When you reunite with your love, you’ll be able to bring a new talent to the relationship that you both can share. Have you always wanted to play a musical instrument? Perhaps you’ve always wanted to take up tennis, golf or another sport. Maybe you would like to learn a foreign language. What is the one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but for whatever reason you were unable to do? Do it now! Do it for you. And maybe even do it for your future relationship. I once met a woman who had been married for over 40 years. I asked her what her secret for success was and she had great words of advice. She said to think of your partner more than you think of yourself, and if you’re partner is doing the same, you’ve got it made in the shade. That is great advice. But what really struck me is what she said next. She told me both she and her husband made a point of learning a new skill or hobby every year. Over the years, they had become extremely knowledgeable and talented in many different ways. She credited this commitment to bring _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 74 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ something new and fresh to their relationship every year as one of the main reasons they were able to have a fulfilling relationship all these years. She and her husband had never become bored with one another. They were always discovering new things together. They were able to do something for themselves, while at the same time they were doing something positive for their relationship. Obviously, that’s a win/win situation It’s exciting to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Decide what it is you want to start doing and take the initial step today. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 75 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 13: Make New Friends “The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man’s success in life.” -- Edward Everett Hale -- During the filming of “Planet Of The Apes,” an interesting phenomenon was noticed by the producers. During meals the cast and crew would break and eat the catered food provided by the production company. The lighting technicians all ate together. The cast ate together. The stagehands ate together. Even those in costume ate together. Those cast as Chimpanzees ate together. So did the actors portraying Gorillas. The same goes for the actors playing Orangutans. The actors instinctually wanted to be with other actors who were most like them. This is true of all of us. We all like to hang out with people who are similar to ourselves. It feels natural and comfortable. Some would say it feels safe. It’s human nature. While there is certainly nothing wrong with this (it is natural after all), it can sometimes work against us. When you do things to improve yourself, your friends might feel you are no longer similar to them. They may feel like you are trying to rise above their level, as if their level is not good enough for you. So you may get unsupportive comments from friends. If this happens to you, you do not need to dump your friends. But if friends are unsupportive or even mean-spirited about your improvements, then perhaps you should limit time with them for the time being. Or have a good talk with them about how you are trying to make positive changes and would appreciate their support. This situation is similar to what recovering alcoholics encounter with their loved ones. It is often difficult for them to deal with family members once they become clean and sober. The family dynamic had been established before the alcoholic had quit drinking. But once they become clean, the dynamic is changed and the family no longer knows how to act around them. They often treat them like they always have because that’s what they are accustomed to and what is “comfortable” for them. But the alcoholic is a new person, with a new _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 76 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ perspective on things and doesn’t want to be treated like an alcoholic any longer. If you are doing things to improve yourself, do you have friends who are going to have a problem with this? Spend time with supportive friends and be cautious of friends who might try to tear you down. And now the moment you’ve been waiting for – the “U” in the system. This is the moment where you get to unveil the improved you and re-establish contact with your ex. You’ll learn how to make the initial contact, or better yet, how to get your ex to make the initial contact. You’ll discover how to go from “I” to “We” as well as simple strategies to make both you and your ex happy while leading you closer to a reunion. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 77 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Step 4: Unveil The Improved You And Re-Establish Contact Chapter 14: Re-Establish Contact “If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” -- Benjamin Franklin -- You’ve made a lot of progress. You’ve stopped making crucial mistakes that make it impossible for a reunion. You’ve improved yourself. You’ve taken every step possible to make sure you can capitalize on the moment once your ex comes back to you. So the logical question is: How do I get the ex to come to me, begging for me to take him/her back? Well there are 3 answers to that question. One of them should apply to your situation. How to get the ex to make the initial contact. 1. You don’t have to do anything further. In other words, your absence has made their heart grow fonder to the point they can’t take it any longer, and they contact you. Perhaps they heard all the “positive reviews” from your Messenger Friend that bragged about all the cool things you were doing. In my personal experience, and from those I have personally helped, this is the most common scenario. a. The initial contact may be a phone call, a personal visit or a “chance” meeting (that your ex completely plans). Regardless of how it happens, the important thing to know is that your ex initiated it. Which means you have the upper hand here. Don’t give that up. I’m not saying you should be arrogant or aloof. Quite the opposite actually. You should be confident, happy, and friendly. These are traits that people gravitate too. But don’t fall _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 78 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ all over him and ruin all the work you’ve done. In other words, don’t say, “oh I thought you were never going to call me.” 2. The Secret Broadcast Technique. Your ex may need a little prodding. Sometimes the ex just doesn’t know how or is uncomfortable about making the first contact. Not because they don’t want to. But because they are not sure how they are going to be received by you. Especially now that you haven’t talked in some time. It’s only natural to fear the worst. But you can’t just call them up and say, “Hey it’s ok for you to call me. I’m not mad.” You don’t want to make the first initial contact. In this instance, use your Messenger Friend. Tell that friend you really hope your ex is doing well. Mention that you haven’t spoken and, although you haven’t spoken, you still care enough to hope all is well on their end. Once this word gets back to your ex, they will know that they are welcome to call you or meet you without fear of the worst. 3. The Face Saver – If you’ve done something bad to cause the breakup, your ex is going to need a way to save face. They were hurt, angry, or at the end of their rope when they broke up with you. Your ex broke up with you to make a point. He or she will not accept what you did to cause the breakup. If there’s any fire left, you are going to have to make sure your ex understands that you got the message. You learned your lesson and it won’t happen again. There are two ways you can go about this. If your mistake was a small one, I suggest using your Messenger Friend from the second example. Tell the friend you regret the mistake you made and how you can understand why your ex left you. Explain that you would be upset too if the roles were reversed. It goes without saying; you really should feel this way by now. You really should understand your mistake and be sincere when talking to your mutual friend. Otherwise your ex will sniff a phony immediately. And even if you do reunite, if you didn’t truly learn your lesson, you’ll be doomed to repeat it and your ex will leave again. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 79 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ The point is, get the word back to your ex that you truly are sorry for your mistake. Don’t belabor the point for hours on end. You don’t need to grovel to your friend. If you don’t have a friend capable of this, then I suggest sending a card in the mail. Not a funny card or even a romantic card. Don’t send flowers either. Otherwise your ex will think the whole gesture is just a ploy to get them back. You don’t want your sincerity put in question here so keep it simple. Send a simple card that says you’re sorry. Just write 2-3 sentences that say you understand why they left and how sorry you are for the hurt you may have caused. Close by wishing them well. Don’t ask for a second chance. Don’t grovel. You’re not getting back together in the card. Remember, you’re just extending an olive branch. You’re offering a way for your ex to “save face.” If you’re sincere and it comes across in your card, you should expect a phone calling saying, “Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for the card” and you can take it from there. We’ll go into the best ways to handle that initial phone call or meeting in just a moment. How To Make The Initial Contact If all else fails then you need to make contact yourself. 1. Phone Call – After you\'ve waited at least a few weeks, a phone call is a very good option. Because it’s been a while since you’ve talked to your ex, they will probably pick up the phone - if only because they’re curious about why you’re calling. When you call, you want to sound casual, friendly, and happy. Say something along the lines of “I was just thinking of you, how are you doing?” Don’t mention the breakup or anything negative. The conversation should just be light and friendly, just like when you two were dating. How your ex responds is going to dictate a lot. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 80 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ If they seem uninterested, then say something like, “Well, I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi, but I don’t have time to talk.” Do your best to maintain an upper hand. Your ex’s interest will likely be piqued from this, and they might end up calling you the next time. On the other hand, they might say something like, “I’m glad you called. I’ve been thinking about you, too.” In this case, you might want to suggest catching up and getting together for coffee. Again, casual is key here. Don’t make it sound as if you’re groveling, or that you really want to get together badly. Phrase it as a “take it or leave it” proposition. You want to position yourself as a busy person with many other options. And because you are that busy person, you also want to make sure that you end the call first. In fact, it’s essential. Make the conversation no longer than 5-10 minutes. You only wanted to call to see how they were doing. Keep that upper hand. You have a fun-filled life, and you have “stuff” to do (don’t elaborate on that at all). Less is more. When you end the call, say something along the lines of, “Well, it was nice talking to you again. I hope you keep in touch.” You can gauge their interest from their response. From that call, your ex might call you again. If not, try them again in two weeks or longer. Again, keep it light. This time, definitely make the offer for coffee. If they don’t accept, then you can either take that as an answer, or call back in three months or so. If they do, you can prepare to show off your newfound body! 2. Email – Phone is preferable, but if you’re too nervous, email can be a last resort. I do strongly suggest the phone over email. You’re going to want to be very casual here as well. Say something along the same lines as what you would say on the phone, such as “I was just thinking of you and wanted to see how you were doing. How have you been?” Don’t make the email long – a quick question like that works fine. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 81 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Proceed with email the same way that you would on the phone. Make your responses short and to the point. Position yourself as someone who is busy and has many other things to do, but don’t elaborate on what those things are. Keep the emails light and airy. Be positive. Once again, according to your ex’s responses, you might want to suggest catching up over a cup of coffee. Proceed with this the exact same way that you would if you two were talking on the phone. It’s very easy to misinterpret email because you can’t hear voice intonation or see facial patterns, so let me remind you - this is an absolute last resort. 3. The Accidental Run-In – Obviously, we\'re not talking about stalking here. That is never acceptable under any circumstances. But if you are going to be somewhere that you know your ex will be also, an accidental run in can be an ideal way to get the ball rolling. For example, if you\'ve been invited to a party that your ex will likely attend, that would be a good place to make contact and re-enter the picture. Some people prefer bumping into someone rather than a phone call because there is not the anxiety involved with calling someone and trying to make sure you say everything you want to say. That nervousness can come through and make you appear self-conscious and anxious. It is important to be relaxed and at ease. Besides, you’ve been working out and your physical changes should be evident. You want to show it off! After all the self-improvement you’ve done, you should be confident and at peace with yourself. This will project outwardly and act as an attractor as well. Be flirtatious with your ex. That’s right, flirt. Building sexual tension is also an attractor. Everyone likes to be flirted with. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 82 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ If your ex is receptive to your flirting, then ask them out for a date. If not, then part ways by saying; “give me a call sometime.” That’ll let them know if they want to get back together, they are going to have to “put themselves out there” a bit and make some effort. 4. Personal Contact - If you are unsuccessful bumping into your ex, then it’s time for a personal visit. Again your physical change should pay dividends. I’m not saying the physical change itself will bring them back (although it doesn’t hurt either). The point here is that they will see a physical change and your ex will know you haven’t been sitting by the phone all day and night waiting for their call. And they will be more receptive to other changes you have made. The point of the visit is to gauge their interest in you and hopefully set up a date. You might say something along the lines of: Hi. I’ve been real busy lately. And even though I haven’t called you, I have been thinking about you and I really hope things are going well for you. I’d really like to get together and catch up with you and what you’ve been up to. That last line is a barometer. If your ex is receptive, then you can set up a date from there. If not, that is a pretty strong signal they don’t want to reunite. You could wait a week or two, and try again. If that doesn’t work, then it’s time to move on. If you really want to be 100% sure you can ask them if there is any chance of a reunion, but you should know you might not like the answer. If a reunion is not possible, then you really have to accept it and move on with your life. Although the methods in this book are highly successful, _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 83 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ they are not 100% successful due to human free will. It would be irresponsible for me to suggest otherwise. Overcoming Obstacles in Re-Establishing Contact You’ve kept busy. You’ve improved your body. You’ve pushed yourself out of your comfort zone more than you would have liked. You might encounter another obstacle now and want to know how to work your way around it. There are a few obstacles, and a few ways to get around each. I haven’t spoken with him/her in a long time. How do I break the ice? This can actually be an advantage for you. Because it’s been such a long time, you’ve had the time to go and make important changes to your life. When you talk to your ex, you can come across as an “upgraded” you (confident and positive), and it will be much more believable than if you had just broken up a few weeks ago. The best approach is to go with a phone call here. Just say that you were thinking of them and that you wanted to see how they were doing. This is completely normal, and your ex will probably be flattered that you thought of them. If the relationship ended because of something bad that you did, then go the card route that I mentioned earlier. Send a card (not a romantic one), just apologizing for any hurt that you may have caused. Make it short and to the point and use it as an olive branch extension. My ex won’t return my calls. How can I get him/her to call me back? This really depends on the type of breakup that you had. If you did something that was bad, you can opt to send the “olive branch” card that I’ve mentioned. If you didn’t do something bad, then just leave a vague phone message saying something like, “Call me back when you get a chance.” Make it sound casual and light, but enough to pique your ex’s interest. Chances are, they’ll call back just out of curiosity. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 84 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ If you don’t get a response now, you can try again (leaving another casual, vague message) in three months or so. Try those steps out, and odds are that they will work. If they don’t, though, remember what I said earlier – this book is very successful, but due to human free will, they’re not foolproof. You might have to just accept that your ex is not in a space to communicate with you, and move on. He/she moved to another town. How can I get in touch with them? – If you were able to enlist a Messenger friend, then you can leverage them. Mention to the Messenger that you want to see how your ex is doing and ask them for your ex’s contact details. If the Messenger is hesitant, you can either ask them to ask the ex if it would be okay, or forward a message from the Messenger to your ex. If you simply don’t know where to find your ex’s contact information, you have a lot of options. You can call his old phone number or send a card to his old address. Both might get forwarded to his new home. You can look through phone books or school and employment directories. Out of town phone books are often available at local libraries. Try getting in touch with any of his/her friends, family members, neighbors, or prior landlord. Tell them that you are trying to contact your ex, and provide them with a phone number where he/she can reach you. You could put an ad in his/her favorite weekly paper, or post a note at one of his old stomping grounds. Search the Internet, too – there are a plethora of search services all over. Check an international search page if you know he/she has left the country. When you do get in touch with your ex, try the tips mentioned earlier in this chapter to get the ball rolling. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 85 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ At this point, you should have some a definitive answer. Hopefully you have a date set up. And the following pages will help you get through this time and move towards reconciliation. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 86 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 15: From “I” To “We” “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies” -- Aristotle-- I learned a lesson from my mother early on about getting someone to do something for you. If you want to get someone to do something for you, do something for them which will cause them to appreciate you. Growing up, I was often resistant to doing my chores, or otherwise helping out around the house. This is especially true during my teens! But there were times when I took notice of all the things my mother was doing for me and I had a fond appreciation for her. And I wanted to do all I could to help her out and make her happy. Sometimes, after seeing all the work I put into doing chores for her and working around the house, she would smile and say: “Wow, what got into you?” What got into me was a sense of appreciation for her and a desire to reciprocate all that she did for me. Keep this principle in mind as you begin dating your ex again. Shower your ex with generosity, in a sincere way, and they will likely reciprocate. As you begin dating your ex again, it should be done with the idea of reconciliation in mind. If you’re into ball games but your ex is not, you shouldn’t be going to a ball game. In fact, this is a good opportunity to show your growth and perhaps do things your ex enjoys that perhaps you were resistant to do before. Talk about your ex and their interests. You’re ex will likely be interested in what you’ve been up to and have plenty of questions for you. So you will have plenty of opportunity to talk about yourself. But do so in moderation and try to avoid bragging or boasting (even though you deserve it with all the work you’ve put in!). As mentioned earlier, everyone loves talking about themselves. Give your ex that opportunity and really take an interest in them. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 87 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ It may appear on the surface that you are doing all the “giving” and your ex is doing all the “taking.” But generosity is contagious. Your ex will naturally want to reciprocate by offering to do things you enjoy. And they will have plenty of questions for you which will give you ample opportunity to talk about yourself. Your ex may not reciprocate the first time you go out again since the break up. That’s ok. They will likely realize later the whole date was about them. They may even realize they never got the answers to their questions about you because you kept the subject about them. That’s ok. Your selflessness will be quite impressive that will only help you. In subsequent dates you can be on the receiving end of things! The following are some principles and techniques that should help you as you begin dating your ex once again. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 88 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 16: The Me First Technique “Change your thoughts and you change your world” –- Norman Vincent Peale -- I’m going to share with you what I consider to be the biggest secret of human relationships. It is a secret I have never heard uttered by a single psychologist. I’ve never read it in a book, even though I have read many books about relationships. But it is something I have noticed first hand over and over again. I believe in this principle with the core of my being and my faith in it cannot be shaken. Its benefits are far reaching. You can get your partner to do what you want them to do, without ever saying a word to them about it. You can resolve your own inner conflicts while your partner eliminates traits or habits, which you dislike. Here it is. The relationship you have with others, is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself? “Relationship with myself?” you ask. Think of your relationship with yourself as your thoughts and feelings about yourself. And your relationship with your partner includes your thoughts and feelings for that person. You see, thoughts and feelings are where relationships exist. A relationship is not something tangible that you can touch and feel with your hands. It exists only in your thoughts and feelings. In simple terms, your relationship is what you think and feel about your mate. They are also what you perceive your mate thinks and feels of you. All of this happens inside you and therefore, relationships exist inside yourself. I believe we can improve our relationships with others by improving our relationship with ourselves. That is why the beginning chapters of this book included ways for you to improve yourself. They are ways for you to improve your relationship with yourself and consequently improve your relationship with your ex when the time comes. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 89 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ To make changes in your relationship, make changes within yourself. I call this The Me First Technique. A few years after I married Mark, he began to develop love handles and a bit of a belly. I didn’t love him any less for it and I considered his weight gain to be a sign of “good times.” Still, I worried about his health and didn’t want to see him gain more weight. I talked with him gently about it, making sure he knew I was concerned for his health. He agreed he needed to lose the extra pounds but he did not do any exercise and continued to eat as he always had. This quietly bothered me and I didn’t know what to do. One might say the solution would have been for me to become more tolerant and less judgmental about his weight gain. While those are noble causes that all of us including myself should try to improve, they do not address the core issue of Mark’s health. Then one day I stood on the scale for the first time in months. I knew I had gained a few pounds but seeing the number right in front of me hit me like a ton of bricks (and NO, I won’t tell you how much I weighed ) I realized my frustration with Mark’s weight gain was a direct reflection of the way I felt about myself for my own weight gain. I decided right then and there, I would say nothing further about the subject to him because this was my problem with my own health, not his. I dedicated the next several weeks to improving my health. I exercised consistently and kept a keen eye on what I ate. My weight dropped and my figure slimmed down to the size I was when I married him. I felt really healthy and consequently I was happier and it showed. To my surprise, I received an even bigger gift. Mark suddenly began to make healthier choices for himself. He stopped eating fast food and drinking sodas. He threw out all the junk food in the kitchen. He joined a gym and worked out almost every day. He even completed a few century rides on his bike (over 100 miles!). He lost his belly fat and is in fantastic health. And the amazing thing is he did it all on his own. I complimented him and told him how proud I was of him. But pushing, prodding or, Lord forbid, nagging was not necessary. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 90 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Isn’t it amazing that when I realized the problem was my own, and made positive changes to correct it, Mark made positive changes in his own life. As a result, we were both happier with ourselves. And our relationship was stronger. I no longer felt bad about my own health, or Mark’s. When you are upset with something in your relationship, look internally and objectively at yourself and see if that is where your conflict truly exists. I’ve seen this many times in my own relationship with my husband and with others as well. Me First Exercise: How can you use The Me First Technique to win back the heart of your ex? Start by identifying the things you dislike about your ex. Writing down 10 things you dislike about your ex now. 1. __________________________________________________________________ 2. __________________________________________________________________ 3. __________________________________________________________________ 4. __________________________________________________________________ 5. __________________________________________________________________ 6. __________________________________________________________________ 7. __________________________________________________________________ 8. __________________________________________________________________ 9. __________________________________________________________________ 10. _________________________________________________________________ Now look at that list again more objectively. How many of those traits or habits do you really wish you could improve yourself? Be honest and objective with yourself and you’ll see they truly apply to you. Make a commitment to improve yourself in each of these ways. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 91 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ You see, your ex likely knows what you dislike about them. You may have even expressed it to your ex verbally. If you yourself possess the same qualities, you can bet there is some resentment there. No one likes to be judged, including your ex. When you talk to your ex about reuniting, there should be no judgments or accusations made. That will only cause your ex to pull away further, and stand firm in their decision to be apart from you. But by being forgiving and non-judgmental, you can actually pull your ex towards you like a magnet. This is especially true if you also extend acts of good will, which we will discuss in the next chapter. That’s because when you make someone happy, they want to make you happy in return. And when you show someone love, if they have any feelings towards you at all, they will want to show you love as well. So think about things you dislike about your ex and if you also need improvement in those areas. For example, maybe you wish your ex didn’t curse, but you curse on occasion. Or perhaps you wish your ex didn’t drink, even though you like to wind down with a glass of wine after dinner. When you do see your ex again, they will notice the changes you have made and as long as you don’t say anything to them about it. You can be free of conflict. Free of judgment for the things that used to bother you about your ex (because they will no longer bother you). And you can speak to your ex from a place of forgiveness, even though it’s your little secret that you have forgiven your ex for things that used to bother you. The Me First Principle will pull your ex towards you for three reasons. 1. Because people are attracted to others who think enough of themselves to enact positive changes in their life. 2. Because you solved your own conflict, you will not harbor ill feelings towards the things you once considered faults about your ex. Because your inner conflict is resolved, you can now see your ex without judgment, and that will shine through and present you in a new and more gracious light. Even better, your ex will not be in a defensive position that comes from being criticized or feeling less than _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 92 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ satisfactory. When your ex is put in a defensive position, you are essentially pushing them away. But your forgiving and nonjudgmental attitude is inviting to your ex, and therefore pulls them towards you (do something about “them”). 3. Because if they have any feelings towards you still, they will want to improve themselves as well. And they will not be content merely improving themselves. They will want to SHOW you their progress. That can only happen by being around you – and that’s a good thing for those who want to reunite! BONUS: The extra benefit to The Me First Technique is that if and when you and your ex reunite, you can have a more fulfilling relationship. The more issues you resolve within yourself, the less disappointed you will feel about your relationship. And your partner will likely improve on those things that once bothered you, without you ever having to say a word! If there is one thing to be learned from The Me First Technique, it’s that the key to happiness is within yourself. Let me say that again. The key to happiness is within you. Let that sink in a minute. Happiness is not found in another person. It’s not found in money or material things. Happiness is found within yourself. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 93 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 17: The Good Will Technique “Kindness in giving creates love” –- Lao Tzu -- Acts of kindness or good will remind people of the good in the world. When you perform an act of kindness, it reminds people of the good in you. To the person who wants to reunite with their ex, reminding your ex of the good in you is crucial to winning back their heart. Now I do NOT suggest doing something just for the sake of winning favor here. If you aren’t genuinely interested in doing something nice for your ex, I would question how serious you are about reuniting. And if you do not want to do something nice for your ex, perhaps you should rethink whether or not you truly love this person or if you really want to reunite? The key here is sincerity. If you are not sincere and your act of kindness seems forced, you will look disingenuous and self-serving. The best way to avoid that is to be a good listener and be alert for opportunities when they arise. Here are examples of acts of good will. This is not a definitive list. It is meant to be a jumping off point. Hopefully, it will spark ideas you may have about nice things you could do for your ex. 1. Buy him/her a coffee. “Let me buy you a coffee” is a great way for either a man or woman to break the ice and set up an informal date at the same time. 2. Open a door for them. This is traditionally reserved for men. It is a chance to show they are a gentleman and shows respect for the woman, which is always welcome. 3. Give them a book, magazine, movie or CD that you KNOW they would love. “Hey I saw this great movie and I couldn’t help but think of you. It really seems something you would like.” 4. When you see them, give them a hug. This in itself is an act of kindness. It shows you still care about them. 5. Give them a compliment. “You look great.” “I really like your new glasses.” A sincere compliment goes a long way. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 94 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ 6. Listen for any chances to fix a problem. If she’s talking about how her car has a knocking noise, offer to fix it or have your mechanic take a look at it. If he mentions working a lot of hours, offer to take his dog for a walk. 7. Give them a gift, flowers, or a homemade card. Work in your ex’s hobbies and interests. Ask him; “you want to get together at TGIF’s and watch the football game tomorrow?” Or if she’s an avid runner you could say, “I’m going for a run later, want to join me?” The point is to include something you know your ex is fond of. It shows you are willing to come to their side of the fence. It shows you are interested in things, which are important to them. Therefore, you are interested in them and want to do things that make them happy. Demonstrating good will towards your ex is likely to be met with their own good will. That is important because all relationships need balance between giving and taking. If both of you are being generous and considerate of the other, the two of you will have a good foundation to build upon as you reconcile. And it’s a good habit to continue once you do reunite. It will always serve you well and help to build and maintain a strong relationship with the love of your life. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 95 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Chapter 18: 10 Things My Ex Loves About Me “I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” -– John Smith -- At one time, your ex wasn’t your ex. And there was a time when your ex wasn’t even your significant other. But he or she saw something in you. Do you remember what it was? What was it about you that sparked the initial attraction? Write it down now. If you need help remembering, check out the examples on the next page. Try to remember a specific time that you knew your love was attracted to you. As you grew closer together, your ex learned more about you and fell in love with many of your best qualities. Write down the 10 things your ex loves most about you now. Again, you can refer to the list on the following page for examples or to get your brain thinking. Another helpful hint is to remember the best times you had together and what is was your ex loved about you at that moment. For example, if one of your best times together was the time you stayed up half the night talking and laughing, you could draw the conclusion that your sense of humor and ability to listen are big attractors. 1. __________________________________________________________________ 2. __________________________________________________________________ 3. __________________________________________________________________ 4. __________________________________________________________________ 5. __________________________________________________________________ 6. __________________________________________________________________ 7. __________________________________________________________________ 8. __________________________________________________________________ 9. __________________________________________________________________ 10. _________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 96 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ Here are 20 examples of possible positive traits. These may or may not apply to you. They are meant to act as a jumping off point for you to identify the things your ex loves most about you. 1. You are creative 2. You are fun 3. You are attractive 4. You have a great sense of humor 5. You are sensitive 6. Your style 7. You are loving 8. You are athletic 9. You have nice eyes 10.You have a great smile 11.You are intelligent 12.You are shy 13.You are outgoing 14.You are generous 15.You are helpful 16.Your family 17.You don’t overreact 18.You are calm in the face of problems 19.You have strong religious faith 20.You understand what’s important, and don’t sweat the small stuff. The Re-Attractor Now you have your list of the most positive traits your ex loves about you. These traits are what your ex fell in love with. These are your most powerful attractors. It is your job now to use these traits at “re-attractors” to generate those feelings of love again from your ex. Time has passed. Wounds have begun to heal. Bad memories have begun to fade. Now is the perfect time to fill the space where the pain once existed with love. You can do this by providing subtle reminders of why you are the great wonderful person you are. _______________________________________________________________________________ © 2007 Annalyn Caras – All Rights Reserved. http://www.WinBackLove.com 97 WinBackLove.com – How To Win Back The Love Of Your Life ________________________________________________________ When you meet or go out with your ex, it is important that you bring out as many of these qualities as possible. Don’t make it like a sitcom where you have enlisted your friends and staged certain scenarios so that you can show your best qualities. No, you can’t force these things. But you can be alert to opportunities that present themselves. For example, maybe you wrote down the example in No. #20 - that your ex loves that you understands what is important and don’t sweat the small stuff. So when that car cuts you off, instead of yelling obscenities and reacting angrily, you can instead brake, let the car over, and continue your conversation with your ex without even mentioning it. They’ll see you don’t overreact and that your conver

EddieC

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

Sorry for that being so long, but at least you can see the whole book. Eddie

EddieC

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

Suvla1915 your message rings so true to me, which is why I feel I have to try this, I just can\'t believe my wife doesnt have any felings left for me. I love her with every beat of my heart, I just wish I had told her thatfor the past 18 years. Why is it we only discover our real feelings when it is too late. Now whatever I do just makes me look desperate, whe the same thing 10 years ago made me appreciated and loved. Eddie xx

Suvla1915

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:28:15

Eddie, that must be the longest post ever! I have saved it to read at leisure and learn the error of my ways!

EddieC

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

Sulva, and anyone else, if you drop me a line Eddie@eddiecampbell.co.uk I\'ll see if I can email the PDF file to you as it will be much easier to read. Eddie

Broken man

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:25

Just a thought Ed, whilst there are some very useful tips in these sorts of publications there are also lots of things which will lead you to a dead end. The thing is you have already said that your wife has apparently \"found\" someone else? This is an obsticle in its own right and one which most of these publications dont have an answer to. I think the only real hope for a relationship reconsiliation is time and space. No matter how much the break is killing you, you need to step back and look as if you are managing. No-one will be attracted to a victim. A confident person is far more attractive. I am talking from very recent experience. I was like you only a few months ago. Read my previous posts. I was the \"victim\" to begin with. Didnt know what I was going to do etc. I took advice from this site. I got my own place, showed her that I didnt NEED her. I went through time with no contact initiated by me. It was always her who text me etc. I got the point where I actually started to see a way forward without her. I found new friends. Then BANG! Just before Xmas she contacts me, we talk and now we\'\'re trying again. I wish you the very best of british!

EddieC

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:55

Hi all, I\'ve decided I can\'t do this, it\'s all to painfull waiting and hoping she will return. I have to let her go and it\'s the hardest thing in the world. I can\'t write much at the moment as it\'s too painful, but I will return soon. Thanks for all your support, Eddie

Nejib

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 - 10:27:20

I agree with Suvla1915: don\'t act desperate, don\'t beg.
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